Boring...

One of my pet peeves about having a social anxiety disorder is that people probably perceive me as being BORING. My coworker forwarded me an email that was sent to a few others about going out for drinks tonight and I turned down the invitation. I've turned down many other previous invites so I guess that is why I wasn't included in the main email that was sent out.

This leads me to a memory: years ago, about a year or 2 after high school...during a phone conversation with a long time friend that I knew since the 4th grade (but became close in the 7th grade)...she shared something with me that truly hurt my feelings. She told me that another long time friend that I was best friends with since the 4th grade told her that she thought I was boring. I was so hurt...I probably cried that night but I don't remember. It hurt because this was my best friend from 4th grade though high school and I never knew she thought this of me. It was a horrible revelation but based on how my anxiety makes me act...its true.

I have a complex about being boring now b/c I am sooo aware of how quiet I tend to be and I know that is how others see it. They can't see how my palms get sweaty and how my heart races and they can't feel the butterflies in my stomache and the agony I feel when I am in a social setting. All they see is a woman who doesn't talk much and doesn't socialize at lunch and a woman who is boring.

The painful part of all this is that I love words and I can appreciate great conversation. I love it! Its the only way to work through the issues of life...through social interaction and intriguing conversation that forces you to ask questions, come up with ideas and act on them. Social interaction is what is needed for people to connect with others and to help others. Its part of life.

Me...boring...maybe to others, but I know that I am just imprisoned by my anxiety and the perception is that I am boring but in my heart and my dreams I am very interesting and I have a lot to contribute to society and to share. So I am going to start working on how this perception of me by others has turned into my perception of my own self. I must admit, I did start to own that characterization of myself but I no longer will as it is not mine. Its a label placed on me by outside forces who do not know me REALLY AND TRULY.

I'M RAMBLING BUT IF YOU SEE YOURSELF AS BORING, ITS TIME TO DEFINE WHAT THAT REALLY IS. I DON'T THINK ANYONE IS BORING. I THINK WE ALL HAVE LIMITATIONS AND BOXES THAT ARE PUT ON US AND I BELIEVE WE DEFINE OURSELVES BASED ON WHAT OTHERS THINK OF US AND THEN WE START TO BECOME THAT DEFINITION BUT ITS TIME TO START DEFINING YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN TERMS. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK. SAY IT WITH ME....IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU! YOU HAVE TO LIVE BECOME YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF (I THINK I HEARD OPRAH SAY THAT)

This post is all over the place and I probably repeated the same thought several times here but you get my drift. I am not going to read this one over and make any corrections b/c I'm tired so once again please forgive me for any grammatical/spelling/etc. errors.

Until then...