RELAX, RELATE, RELEASE...RECLUSE

I'M GOING TO TAKE A NICE LONG SHOWER TO EASE MY MIND AND THEN I'LL TRY TO MAKE THE MOST OF MY LONELY EXISTENCE. THIS IS WHAT YEAR'S OF ANXIETY DOES TO A PERSON...1. PEOPLE START TO GET TIRED OF INVITING YOU PLACES BECAUSE YOU NEVER GO OR SCENARIO 2. PEOPLE INVITE YOU AND YOU DON'T GO OR 3. YOU ACTUALLY GO BUT YOU FEEL AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE THE ENTIRE TIME AND YOU CAN BARELY BREATHE AND YOU WANT TO GO HOME LIKE NOW OR SCENARIO 4. YOU GO OUT AND YOU DRINK TO EASE THE ANXIETY AND YOU WIND UP DRUNK WITH A HORRIBLE HANGOVER THE NEXT DAY THAT IS SO BAD THAT YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE DAY OFF IN BED...WHAT A WASTE...

SO IF I DON'T GET BACK ONLINE, HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!!

UNTIL THEN...UNTIL NEXT YEAR,
DOASBW

TO ALL THE MEN WHO READ MY BLOG...

THANK YOU!!!!!!

MEN DEAL WITH THIS ISSUE, TOO,

AND I WANT TO START ACKNOWLEDGING YOU ALL JUST AS MUCH AS YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ME!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

WE CAN GET OVER THIS TOGETHER.

HOME ALONE & DIARYOFASHYBLACKWOMAN.ORG

I am literally in my sleepwear, alone, in the dark...in my room typing away. I'm also drinking but its New Year's Eve. My boyfriend is upset b/c he says I never accompany him to visit his family and friends. I am upset because he knows I have an anxiety issue so he should understand by now. I'm upset b/c I keep finding myself on the defensive trying to explain. I'm also upset b/c I've accompanied him many times to see his family even though I was on the verge of anxiety attacks each time and I feel like he did not acknowledge those times.

Anyway...I digress...

I am alone and typing away. I just paid to have my blog converted to a dot org (.org) site so in about 3 days you will be able to type in http://www.diaryofashyblackwoman.org instead of http://www.diaryofashyblackwoman.blogspot.com. Its a reasonable price for anyone out there who is considering it: just 10.00 each year. So I did it. Hopefully it comes with some more perks but I'll have to find out.

Usually I research a decision like this for about a week before I decide but today a mix of New Year's Eve jubilance and spiked egg nog helped me decide in a more spontaneous manner.

Love ya'll,
DOASBW

P.S. I tried to change my template for the New Year but I keep getting error messages from Blogger such as: Please correct the error below, and submit your template again. Your template could not be parsed as it is not well-formed. Please make sure all XML elements are closed properly. XML error message: The document type declaration for root element type "html" must end with '>'.

(I WISH I WERE WITH FRIENDS/FAMILY BUT I'M TOO ANXIOUS ONCE AGAIN. I'M NOT HAVING FUN ALONE AT ALL.)

If anyone out there can help me with this error message, I am ALL EARS!!!

I'm spending New Year's Eve alone...

...b/c of my anxieties.

But I hope you all enjoy! Happy New Year and be safe out there!

With love,
DOASBW

DAY 6: KWANZAA

Kuumba (Creativity) -

To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Okay, now I'm even more confused...

In the NY Daily News website, I found articles about Haiti under the Latino Section.

Haiti, from what I understand was under Spanish rule but the French for the most part took over until they were defeated by the Haitians. Haiti shares the island of Hispanola with The Dominican Republic which is considered the Latino or Hispanic side of the island but this categorization in the Daily News confuses me.

Any thoughts?

-DOASBW
_____________________________________________
This is what the section looked like on the Daily News site:

Latino
Thrice-built house embodies Haiti aid shortfalls
El Salvador: tres meses para reinscribirse a TPS
Puerto Rico's homicide rate highest in 12 years
Mexicans return home for migrant truck parade

WEIGHT LOSS!

I'M JOINING A GYM THIS WEEK!! POSSIBLY TOMORROW AND THE PLAN IS TO WORK OUT 3 DAYS/WEEK FOR ABOUT 1-2 HOURS.

I PURCHASED A COUPLE OF FITNESS MAGAZINES AND PURCHASED SOME WORKOUT GEAR.

ANYONE ELSE ON A DIET? SHARE ANY TIPS WITH ME, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND MY ENTIRE 2009 TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I WANT TO GET STARTED JANUARY AND REACH MY GOAL WEIGHT SOON SO I CAN USE THAT ENERGY FOR SOMETHING ELSE BUT MAINTAIN MY GOAL WEIGHT FOREVER! (FOR THE MOST PART)

I WILL BE PURCHASING SOME CUTE SWEATBANDS AND SNEAKERS IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS. I ALREADY HAVE AN IPOD TO WORK OUT WITH.

I ALSO NEED A GYM BAG THAT LOOKS CUTE ENOUGH TO DOUBLE AS A REGULAR BAG WHEN I'M ON THE GO AFTER WORK.

I AM ALSO GOING TO PURCHASE SOME HIGH HEEL SHOES IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS AS A REWARD AND B/C I HAVEN'T WORN HEELS IN OVER 4 YEARS IF NOT MORE.

1. GYM MEMBERSHIP
2. SWEATBANDS
3. SNEAKERS
4. HEELS
5. IPOD
6. GYM BAG
7. FITNESS MAGAZINES
8. WORKOUT GEAR

THESE ARE THE THINGS I'M STARTING WITH AND MAYBE I'LL DANCE AROUND IN MY HEELS IN MY ROOM LIKE BEYONCE TO GET MY BODY TONED AND TO HAVE FUN!!! LOL!

HAITIAN VS BLACKS?

I HEARD A JOURNALIST TALK ABOUT A SITUATION THAT OCCURRED AND SHE DESCRIBED IT AS HAITIANS VS BLACKS BUT AREN'T HAITIANS, BLACK?

WOULDN'T SHE HAVE BEEN MORE ACCURATE IF SHE HAD SAID AFRICAN AMERICANS VS HAITIANS OR SOMETHING...I DON'T KNOW...I'M JUST SHARING.

IM HAITIAN AND I DEFINE MYSELF AS BLACK OR HAITIAN AMERICAN OR AFRICAN AMERICAN OF HAITIAN DESCENT OR HAITIAN AMERICAN OF AFRICAN DESCENT...BUT IT GETS REDUNDANT WHEN I USE SO MANY WORDS.

HOW DO YOU ALL FEEL ABOUT THIS...HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF, ETHNICALLY?

DAY 5: KWANZAA

Nia (Purpose) - To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

How are you doing today?

Today was an okay day at work. I just hate that I always feel like people are talking about me. I just have to learn to not care if they are. That's easier said than done but it must be done b/c I don't want to waste anytime on that anymore.

I just wanted to know how you...yes, YOU...how are you doing? Its hard to reach out to each person that contacts me but so far so good. If you emailed me over a month ago and I did not reply please let me know b/c the email probably never went through. I think I caught up with all emails as of last week. I check my painfullyshy@rock.com email about twice per month.

Until then...

DAY 3 & 4 - KWANZAA

Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility) - To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics) - To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

WHAT ARE YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2009?

I CAN'T HELP BUT TO REFLECT ON THE PAST YEAR EACH YEAR AROUND THIS TIME AND START TO CONJURE UP WAYS TO MAKE THE NEXT YEAR BETTER.

I WILL SHARE THIS WITH YOU WHEN I'M MORE CLEAR ON MY GOALS.

UNTIL THEN...

I am...DOASBW FIERCE!

I have read and heard many criticisms (bad and good) regarding Beyonce's "I am...Sasha Fierce" album but I must say I like it.

I think that when anyone finds something they can relate to they tend to gravitate towards it and I can relate to the concept of the album...the split personality aspect in that I am painfully shy but I have another side...the inner side the side that comes out when I am extremely (and I mean EXTREMELY) comfortable around someone...the side that comes out when I am alone. The free side of me. The CAREfree side of me. The comfortable-in-my-own-skin side. The...DARE I SAY - wild side.

So I truly enjoy this album. I cherish the soft side of my personality and I hope to one day share the other more sociable side of my personality. The funny side. (I have these funny dances that only a few people have seen...my niece & nephew, my boyfriend, and my brother) but now only my boyfriend gets the honor of seeing this side as I clam up around basically everyone else. I spend almost all my time with my boyfriend when I'm not at work so we've become joined at the hip (when we are not angry at each other).

I like the songs in the album, too, mostly the ones on the soft side...the I AM side but in general, I like this album very much. Beyonce stepped out of her comfort zone by making other music genres her own and this is a great example for what I am trying to do with my anxiety...step out of my comfort zone.

Until then...

The words in the song "EXTRAordinary" help me out so much...I thought I'd share it with you

"Extraordinary" - as sung by Mandy Moore

Songwriter(s): Steve Tannen, Mandy Moore, Deborah R. Talan

I was a bay tree
Quiet and unseen
I lived in stories but inside I kept a mystery
I was a starling
Nobody’s darling
Flying in perfect circles
Desperate company

[Chorus]
And now I’m ready
And now I’m ready
And now I’m ready to be
Extraordinary

A midnight airplane
A window blowing
I know I am another sparkle in the sky
I shine on copper
Still undiscovered
But you must see me in the corner of your eye

(Chorus)

Waking up to wake up some day
I am my own prey
Stopping off at a sidewalk cafe
The wind is playing up in the trees
Kicking up confetti leaves
Sings as if it’s all to say

(Chorus x2)

DAY 2 - KWANZAA

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination)
To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

I RECOMMEND THE FOLLOWING BOOKS:

I ORDERED THESE 3 BOOKS VIA AMAZON TODAY AND IT CAME UP TO LESS THAN $40:

1. The Happy Introvert: A Wild and Crazy Guide for Celebrating Your True Self - Elizabeth Wagele

2. Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength - Laurie A. Helgoe

3. The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World - Marti Olsen Laney

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog

Dr. Marti Olsen Laney

If anyone out there has a working email for Dr. Marti Olsen Laney who is the author of The Introvert Advantage please forward that info to me. The email on her website is not working as it keeps bouncing back.

THANK YOU TO THE YOUNG WOMAN THAT EMAILED ME ON DECEMBER 6...

I'LL JUST CALL YOU K...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON AND ONCE YOUR BEAUTIFUL PERSONALITY COMES OUT YOU WILL BE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH!!!

THANKS FOR YOUR LETTER.

UNTIL THEN...
DOASBW

1st radio show! FOR SOME REASON I'M ONLY HEARING THE 1ST 13 MINUTES OF THE SHOW BUT I RECORDED FOR ABOUT 40 MINUTES...I AM TRYING TO FIX THIS ISSUE..

I WANT TO THANK JADES_MOM & HOLYSPIRITLADY AT BLOGTALKRADIO FOR JOINING ME IN THE CHAT ROOM DURING MY VERY 1ST PAINFULLYSHY RADIO SHOW.

I HAD A FEW MORE LISTENERS THAT I'D LIKE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO AS WELL:
BTR M I N D Y
&
AMR Radio



http://www.blogtalkradio.com/painfullyshy/feed

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/painfullyshy

LISTEN LIVE TO MY PAINFULLYSHY TALK SHOW ON BLOGTALKRADIO@ 4PM TODAY!

Listener dial-in number
(646) 716-8954

CHAT SESSION will be OPEN!

LAST DAY TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SURVEY

HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK? SURVEY IS ON THE UPPER RIGHT SIDE OF THE DIARY OF A SHY BLACK WOMAN BLOG.

UNTIL THEN...

A MESSAGE FROM A READER:

READER: From: ANONYMOUS Date: Jul 4, 2008 2:55 PM
hello,i have a problem with being around a lot of people and i dont know how to change.i become really nervous for some reason.i feel like its hard to be sociable because i am extremely shy.maybe i can learn from u how to overcome this.i never met another person with this same problem before.

DOASBW: You are certainly not alone with this issue. I get many emails from black women who have the same issue but they hide it well. Listen, this upcoming year...2009 is ours. We have to learn to be more comfortable in our own skin b/c in the end it comes from within. I am struggling with this shyness in a severe way but I am 31 and I don't want my life to keep passing me by.
We can help each other out. I have the blog at http://diaryofashyblackwoman.blogspot.com/ and this myspace page and also, my youtube channel: youtube.com/painfullyshytv and finally my radio show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/painfullyshy.
So stay with me b/c I will be trying my best to let you all know about different resources, books, websites, etc that can help. I will let you know what I'm doing and I will make it a priority to post more regularly on my blog.
I know that being shy can stop you from living life the way it should be lived so my goal is to help others while helping myself get through this.
Until then...

DAY 1: KWANZAA

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kwanzaa:
Kwanzaa is a week-long holiday celebrated primarily in the United States[citation needed] honoring African heritage, marked by participants lighting a kinara (candle holder).[1] It is observed from December 26 to January 1 each year.

Kwanzaa consists of seven days of celebration, featuring activities such as candle-lighting and pouring of libations, and culminating in a feast and gift giving. It was created by Ron Karenga and was first celebrated from December 26, 1966, to January 1, 1967.

Umoja (Unity)

To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

Merry (belated) Christmas

Hope you are starting to think about the new year and reflect on 2008! I sure am. I am a bit disappointed in my progress during 2008.

Until then...

Anxiety with Meez

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Wpd021UhHM

Guess what?

I shared that I have an anxiety disorder on a social network that I am on. This is a social network that I am on in which my photos are up, etc and I "pretend" to be so social b/c its easy to be social behind a keyboard and monitor...however, I just shared 2 sentences about my struggle.

My anxiety is such an emotional topic for me that my eyes started to water (tears didn't fall) when I typed up those 2 sentences. I feel a little bit relieved b/c it means alot to me to start owning up to this issue and not being embarrassed about it.

I'm sure not many people will see the post and I will not leave it up there for long but it helps.

Love you all!!!
Until then,
DOASBW

Sorry for the sporadic posts as of late

Happy Belated Thanksgiving?

Do you celebrate Kwanzaa? If so, let me know how you and if its a family thing or something you do on your own or with friends. I'd like to start including Kwanzaa into my Holiday 'rituals' but I only celebrated it once years ago.

Anyhoo, I don't have plans for Christmas. We're in a recession so I guess I can use that as my excuse this year as to why I don't have plans but that is not the reason. If anything, despite the recession, I've saved pretty well for the past several months so I am better off financially and my credit score is getting much better.

However, I am feeling guilty about that because the only reason I am able to save more than the average person my age is because I AM STILL APARTMENT HUNTING AND STILL HAVEN'T FOUND MY OWN APARTMENT.

I have actually been contemplating moving back to Arizona. It was so easy to find an affordable apartment in a good neighborhood. In NY it is difficult. I am scared to move to a bad area and I guess if I can get over that fear I wouldn't have such a hard time finding an apartment I can afford.

I've been hoping to win one of those apartment lotteries where the apartments are in good or halfway good neighborhoods and they set aside a certain number for people who are basically not rich. I have been applying for those but the few that have contacted me were not to thrilled about my credit. I have high balances that I'm still paying off although I've improved significantly in that area.

I am stuck at my family's house unless I move out of NY. I refuse to live in a crack infested, thug filled area.

Anyhoo, its getting to me but I am resisting the depression that is bottling up inside. Living with my Mom is a serious bruise to my self esteem. I can't even walk with my head up knowing this but I try to console myself and it does make me happy when I have extra money to give my mom for rent, bdays, etc... Money I probably wouldn't have if I had my own place so I guess that is the ONLY good part.

Until then,
DOASBW