I HATE MY JOB

IT'S NOT FOR ME. I'M IN THE WRONG CAREER. I THINK I'VE REACHED MY LIMIT WITH THIS JOB. ITS TIME TO START SEARCHING AND MOVING TOWARD WHERE MY PASSION LIES.

I AM STILL WORKING ON MY MAGAZINE, THOUGH. IN A PERFECT WORLD MY MAGAZINE WOULD BE SUCCESSFUL AND I COULD WORK FOR MYSELF. I'D ALSO BE AN AUTHOR AND A FREELANCE TRAVEL WRITER AND AN ACTOR.

IN A PERFECT WORLD.

I AM DREADING GOING TO WORK TOMORROW...I TOOK THE DAY OFF TODAY. I AM CRYING INSIDE...THAT IS HOW MUCH I FEEL ABOUT IT. THIS FEELING HAS BEEN INCREASING RAPIDLY EACH DAY FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS.

until then...

I am slowly moving toward a more natural lifestyle both inside and out...

The Raw Food Coach Website...Click on this link for more info!
I signed up as an affiliate for the above site because I absolutely love the tips, help, resourcefulness, expertise that Karen Knowler has regarding raw food.

I am doing research and am reading Heal Thyself by Queen Afua and The Master Cleanser by Stanley Burroughs to further prepare myself mentally to slowly start moving in this direction on natural health and healing inside and out. I am even starting to incorporate natural makeup. When I return from the Czech Republic I will purchase some samples of makeup and give you all a review on how it compares to the Revlon's, CoverGirl's, IMAN's, etc.

One thing I am almost 100% natural with is with the hair products I use. I am almost there. Next I am trying to stop using face creams that have ingredients such as sodium laureth sulphate and alcohol, etc. I found a list on faithful-to-nature.co.za...I copied and pasted a few...to read the rest go to the site...its a long list...I suggest you print it out and carry it with you when you go shopping.

Parabens (Methyl, Propyl, Butyl and Ethyl)
98% or cosmetic products contain parabens. Parabens are endocrine disrupters which mean they may disturb the hormone balance in your body and can cause allergic reactions. British researchers found traces of it in twenty women who had breast cancer. Parabens are believed to act like the female hormone estrogen and high levels of estrogen can cause some women to develop breast cancer.
“The industry response is that these chemicals have been cleared for use by the relevant authorities (FDA and ECC) and have been used for decades. The link between smoking and cancer took 50 years to gain public support. Health concerns raised by the Parabens will hopefully be recognized sooner.” (Taken from esse.co.za )

Propylene Glycol (PEG)
It is one of the most common ingredients in cosmetics and is highly controversial. Many say it is a harmful irritant known to cause damage to the kidneys whilst a few believe it is safe. But consider this: the Material Safety Data Sheet for propylene glycol warns workers handling this chemical to avoid skin contact.

Sodium Lauryl/Laureth Sulfate
A known skin irritant and enhances allergic response to other toxins and allergens. The chemical can react with other ingredients to form cancer-causing nitrosamines. Sodium Lauryl Sulfate is used as a lathering agent. It is present in ninety per cent of commercial shampoos, as well as skin creams and some brands of toothpaste. It was found to be safe by the CIR expert panel in the 1980’s but new information is being considered as to the safety of the ingredient.

Diethanolamine (DEA), Triethanolamine (TEA), Monoethanolamine (MEA)
In 1999 a National Toxicology Program found an association between cancer and tumors in laboratory animals and the application of diethanolamine (DEA) and certain DEA-related ingredients to their skin. The FDA is still considering legal actions. As the study used a pure concentration of the ingredient it has been debated as to whether there is any real cause for concern...

Until then...

LIL WAYNE hates a shy B*tch??? A Millie (lyrics)

photo credithttp://calisuper.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/lil-wayne-bm01.jpg


"...damn I hate a shy B*tch
don't u hate a shy B*tch
yeah I hate a shy B*tch,
but she aint shy no more
cuz she changed her name to my B*tch!"


Full lyrics from sweetlyrics.com
A millionaire I'm a Young money millionaire tougher than Nigerian hair,My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair,I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed...Threw the pencil and leak on the sheet of the tablet in my mind,Cause I don't write shit cause I ain't got time,Cause my seconds, minutes, hours go to the all mighty dollar,And the all mighty power of dat cha cha cha cha chopper,Sister, Brother, Son, Daughter, Father motha fuck a copper,Got da maserati dancin on the bridge pussy poppin,Tell the coppers: hahahaha you can't catch em, you can't stop em,I go by them goon rules if you can't beat em then you *bop* em,You can't man em then you mop em,You can't stand em then you drop em,You pop em cause we pop em like Orville Redenbacher,A millie in here a millie in thereSicilian bitch with long hair with coke in the derriereLike smoke in the thinest air I open the LamborghiniHopin them crackers see like look at dat bastard WeezyHes a beast hes, a dog hes, the muthfukin problemOk your a goon but what’s a goon to a goblin?Nothin, nothin you ain’t scarin nothinOn some faggot bullshit call em dennis rodmanCall me what you want bitch call me on my SidekickNever answer when it’s private damn I hate a shy BitchDon’t u hate a shy bitch? yea I ate a shy bitchAnd she ain’t shy nomore she changed her name to My bitchYea nigga that’s my bitch So when she ask for the money when you through don't be suprised bitch And It ain’t trickin' if u got itBut u like a bitch with no ass u ain’t got shitMuthafuka I’m ill not sickAnd I’m ok, but my watch sickYea my drop sickYea my glock sickAnd my knot thickI'm itMuthafuka I’m Ill…Ya see....They say I'm rappin like Big, Jay, and Tupac Andre 3 Thousand where is erykah badu atWho datWho dat said they gon' beat Lil WayneMy name ain't bic, but I keep that flame maineWho dat oneDat do dat boyYa'll knew datTrue dat swallowAnd I be the shitNow you got loose bowelsI don't ""O-U"* you like two vowelsBut I'd like for you to pay me by the hourHahahaAnd I'd rather be pushing flowers,Than to be in the pen sharing showersTony told us this world was oursAnd the Bible told us every girl was sourDon't play in the garden and don't smell her flowerCall me Mr. Carter or Mr. Lawn MowerBoy I got so many bitches like I'm Michael LowryEven Gwen Stefani said she couldn't doubt meMuthafuka I say life ain’t shit without meChrome lips pokin out the coop like it’s poutinI do what I do and u do what u can do about itBitch I can turn a crack rock into a mountian*Dare me?*Don’t u compare me cause there ain’t noody near me They don’t see me but they hear meThey don’t feel me but they fear me I’m Illie

Do you remember Tracie Spencer?

I was such a huge fan of hers. Usually when I am nostalgic, I end up doing an online search for my favorite singers/actors from back in the day but I can't seem to find any recent news on Tracie Spencer. Actually, I found something but I'm not even sure if its referring to her or another Tracie Spencer.

I wonder what she is up to? She was a very different artist because she sang songs not only about love but about homelessness and she did a remake of a John Lennon song: Imagine that I sang accappella when I was in high school. I blogged about on April 10th of 2008 ( http://diaryofashyblackwoman.blogspot.com/2008/04/lets-talk.html ).

The article that I found spoke about a open mic with comedians performing and one comedian they mentioned is Tracie Spencer...I wonder if that's the same Tracie Spencer...the singer. Here is the link to the article from a Vermont publication for anyone who is interested in cracking this case with me. lol.

http://www.timesargus.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080711/FEATURES02/807110302/1011/FEATURES02

Here is Imagine -Tracie Spencer's version...I couldn't find the real video but I found this on Youtube:

Czech Republic

I leave on Saturday. I will start packing today. I will document my trip for you all. Maybe I'll include photos of myself for you...finally!



Until then...

I started my blog almost 2 years ago, August 2006!

I can't believe it! I just read my first entry after so long and it actually helped me focus on what my ultimate goal is...to be free from my debilitating anxieties.

http://diaryofashyblackwoman.blogspot.com/2006/08/dont-worry-she-said-youll-grow-out-of.html#links

Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child

She is a movement by herself! I am a fan of all 3 members of Destiny's Child so I am so happy that Michelle is finally getting her solo recognition.



I broke the dawn tonight because of my insomnia...Ha Ha...You get it? The title of the song is We break the Dawn...okay it wasn't that funny....lol.

Thanks DannieCleo

http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/

I just learned from DannieCleo that the above site is doing a Youtube video project...like a documentary of sorts. I've been looking for a documentary so this is very helpful right now!

I am researching...

I am researching the benefits of St. John's Wort and 5-HTP. I tried them before but it was for a day or 2...I am going to try for longer.

I will let you know how its working.

***I did extensive research online before I even thought of taking these natural remedies so if you are thinking of doing the same PLEASE do your research and consult with your doctor as well.

Later on I will research Kava Kava and later oxytocin because I read an interesting story on the latter today over here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1028462/Scientists-childbirth-wonder-drug-cure-shyness.html

Oh by the way it is 4:20AM and I have not gone to sleep yet...furthermore I went to bed for about 4 hours yesterday. St. John's Wort and 5-HTP is suppose to be beneficial for insomnia as well so I will find out in the coming weeks if its working.

Also, have you heard of fybromyalgia? Google it and let's share thoughts on this. I have aches and pains and am now starting to wonder...

Here is some info to help you research the topics I mentioned:

I TELL MY BOYFRIEND ALL THE TIME THAT "I AM THE REAL PRINCESS"...LOL

The Real Princess

(The Princess and the Pea)

by

Hans Christian Andersen Illustrated by Edmund Dulac

There was once a prince, and he wanted a princess, but then she must be a real Princess. He travelled right around the world to find one, but there was always something wrong. There were plenty of princesses, but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering; there was always something which was not quite right about them. So at last he had come home again, and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly.

One evening there was a terrible storm; it thundered and lightninged and the rain poured down in torrents; indeed it was a fearful night.

In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate, and the old King himself sent to open it.

It was a princess who stood outside, but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm. The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel, but she said that she was a real princess.

'Well we shall soon see if that is true,' thought the old Queen, but she said nothing. She went into the bedroom, took all the bed clothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead: then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on top of the pea, and then twenty feather beds on top of the mattresses. This was where the princess was to sleep that night. In the morning they asked her how she slept.

'Oh terribly bad!' said the princess. 'I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night! Heaven knows what was in the bed. I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing, and my whole body is black and blue this morning. It is terrible!'

They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds. Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin.

So the prince took her to be his wife, for now he was sure that he had found a real princess, and the pea was put into the Museum, where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it.
Now this is a true story.

http://childhoodreading.com/Edmund_Dulac_and_Gus/Princess_and_the_Pea.html

Cinderella: The little black girl I use to be dreamt I would be like her someday and subliminally I think it did a number on me...

I have a love/hate relationship with my childhood toys, cartoons, etc because they kept me dreaming and entertained but they they did not represent for me at all and I was naive and ate it all up. Now, when I see or hear references to the likes of Cinderella a part of me is nostalgic and dreamy eyed but also teary eyed.

I love Disney...I hate Disney.

A snippet of an email from a dear friend of mine...

"...Nervous Conditions by Tsitsi Dangarembga. It's a fictional novel set in Zimbabwe about how nervous conditions in the form of neuroses, eating disorders, etc., manifest in the female characters because they are forced to repress so much oppression and injustice within their bodies, that the nervous conditions become a physical manifestation of that.



I'm not saying that you or I have anxiety because of this reason, but it exists for a reason, I don't think it's a completely random disorder. I think social conditions and your gender,class, race, status have a lot to do with it..."






My friend is extremely intelligent and she always gives me a fresh perspective on issues and she did it again. I am definitely going to get this book and read it and let you all know what I thought.

But this email from her justified the title of my blog...THE DIARY OF A SHY BLACK WOMAN.

AS A WOMAN AND AS A BLACK PERSON MY SOCIAL CONDITION EXISTS FOR A REASON. THAT I SHALL EXPLORE FURTHER.

HOWEVER, THERE ARE WHITE MEN WHO SUFFER FROM SOCIAL ANXIETY, TOO and this might have to do with family history and status and class but I am just making a broad statement with that one.

If anyone out there has read Nervous Conditions or plan to please let me know.

Until then...

DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANY BLACK CELEBRITIES WHO HAVE ANXIETY RELATED ISSUES?

I can't seem to find this info yet. Still researching. I don't want people thinking I am neglecting Blacks with anxiety if they only see me posting info on non-Blacks with social anxiety. I found something on a couple of celebrities but I want to be sure before I post it. I want to read it in several different places before I just believe the first thing I read. So if you know of any African-American celebs who have social anxiety please let me know where you got the info from, too.

July 2008 Issue of Italian Vogue...BUY IT!

ITS A SPECIAL EDITION...ALL BLACK MODELS...GROUNDBREAKING!

From left, Liya Kebede, Sessilee Lopez, Jourdan Dunn, and Naomi Campbell

VISIT: http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/06/18/style/0619-BLACK_11.html

DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANY SOCIAL PHOBIA DOCUMENTARIES/FILMS?

Please share as I want to watch them all but am having the hardest time finding any good ones.

Famous and/or Successful people with Anxiety Related Disorders - Donny Osmond Confronts Panic - Even As A Child Star, He Felt Fear

Famous
and/or
Successful people
with Anxiety Disorders

Donny Osmond Confronts Panic, Even As A Child Star, He Felt Fear - CBS http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2000/02/24/48hours/main164444.shtml





From August 2000


photo credit in tiny letters next to photo but I pulled this from www.aptonline.org/.../Tdonny+osmond+copy.jpg

HAPPY BELATED INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Famous and/or Successful people with Anxiety Related Disorders - Edith Wharton was Shy

Famous
and/or
Successful people
with Anxiety Disorders

http://www.edithwhartonfilm.com/about.html

She was a shy, modest woman who became a world-class author. An astute businesswoman who made millions selling books.

She was a gifted storyteller, weaving the world around her into eloquent fictional masterpieces. Her best-sellers about America's rich and famous captivated audiences worldwide.

She was a prolific writer, penning novels, short stories, poetry, essays, and psychological thrillers that rival the best of Poe's tales.

photo credit: www.famouspoetsandpoems.com/pictures/edith_wharton.jpg

http://www.youtube.com/PainfullyshyTv

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYxnyrCI_a4

Be. Better. A Documentary on Anxiety Disorders

From CancerGrey's Channel on Youtube.