Im depressed

Im feeling down today. How are you doing? I'll post more later this week.

My body is aching and my right shoulder is in pain from years of my carrying heavy purses/bookbags. Its finally caught up to me. I keep "essentials" in my purse "just in case" I need them one day. I feel naked without my heavy purse...what if something happens and I need 'this' or 'that'.

I'm going to keep this short as I can't filter through my smorgasbord of thoughts at the moment to give you interesting blogprose...I think I just coined a new word but I'm sure it won't catch on. lol.

Until then...

WAIT LET ME BE HONEST...I STARTED THIS BLOG WHEN I WAS 29 TO DOCUMENT HOW I WAS GOING TO OVERCOME MY ANXIETIES BY MY 30TH BIRTHDAY AND HERE I AM ABOUT TO TURN 31 NEXT MONTH AND I AM STILL DEALING WITH THIS ISSUE.

I DON'T WANT TO BECOME PESSIMISTIC BUT I'VE BEEN OPTIMISTIC FOR NEARLY ALL MY LIFE AND IT SEEMS TO GET ME NOWHERE.

THIS IS SO DEPRESSING...I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN WHAT I FEEL RIGHT NOW. IM JUST NUMB, EMPTY, SAD, WORRIED, ANXIOUS (OF COURSE), AND STRESSED OUT.

FALLING DOWN

Falling Down
by Scarlett Johansson

What do you do when you are bored?

When I'm bored, I go online but before the internet was THE THING...I use to read all sorts of books. I still read books but not the way I use to. I want to buy about 5 books with my next paycheck and make them my summer reads. The last time I had a summer reading list I was in high school.

I will probably join a book club, I'm sure I can find a lot of book clubs online and from there I can get my reading list ready.

What else do I do when I'm bored...EAT. I snack on chips and chocolate...CHIPS and CHOCOLATE...CHIP & CHOC....

What else do I do, I use to write a lot more than I do now. Gotta get back on that too.

I also use to DANCE to ALL kinds of music in my room for HOURS. And I am not even exaggerating. I'm talking for 2 hours at minimum. I'd dance and daydream in my room. It was so fun.

I have to figure out a way to work from home or on my own terms so I can start writing more and doing what I love. My boyfriend and I have so many dreams but NO TIME BECAUSE OUR JOBS SUCK UP ALL OF IT.

So how are you? What do you do when you are bored? Isn't boredom like the worse feeling? It feels so empty and lonely. It feels like everyone else is having fun but you. Everyone has a life but you.

I'm bored...IM BORED. IM BORED BUT I HAVE THINGS TO DO...BUT ALL THE THINGS I HAVE TO DO ARE BORING SO I DON'T WANT TO DO THEM BUT I SHOULD. I SHOULD.

I AM SO BORED. I JUST GOOGLED MY FIRST NAME ON YOUTUBE AND I LEARNED THAT THERE IS A SONG TITLED "(MY FIRST NAME HERE)". SO THAT IS MY NEW FAVORITE SONG. I AM NOT SHARING MY FIRST NAME WITH YOU YET OR MAYBE I NEVER WILL BUT EITHER WAY I STILL LUV YA!!

WHY AM I USING CAPITAL LETTERS STILL. enough of that already.

If you know of any interactive websites that I might be interested in checking out...leave a comment. Send me fun facts...whatever...ENTERTAIN ME.

talk later...


until then...

A NEW EARTH: Eckhart Tolle, Oprah

I have the book and haven't read it all through but will make it a priority this week and I will re-watch the classes I saw and watch the other ones I haven't yet.

I know this will also help me.


-Until then...

ACT

I'm passing along this comment I received from a reader just in case you are interested in learning more about ACT just as I am.

Anonymous said...
You can learn a great deal about ACT at www.contextualpsychology.org. There is also a Yahoo Group for ACT for the public (I believe you can access it from www.contextualpsychology.org also). I hope that helps.

Motivation Hunter, school, therapy...

I'm a motivation hunter. I hunt for motivation on a daily basis...on an hourly basis. The smallest thing can crush my motivation and leave me in a slump for the rest of the day.

It is crucial that I have backup motivation at all times should my current resource run out. This is a horrible thing as I should not look to outside sources for motivation and I should be able to dig it out internally...but then again...motivation from the outside brings out the intrinsic motivation.

With that said, I woke up feeling a spark of motivation. Just a spark and it went out but I am feeling it again. Maybe its because I'm talking to you right now. I love you for always listening to me...I truly do.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about a new therapy I learned about...I might have touched on it before but I am going to call a couple of therapists that I found who specialize in this area. It is new...its called ACT therapy...Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I am done with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy...CBT...Not done in the sense that I don't think it works...I know it works but everytime I start seeing a CBT therapist, I never finish and so each new time...I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN...and it becomes so boring and mundane and useless. However, I have a book...I've had it for years...you've probably heard of it...its popular, The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook...I am going to read it and do the exercises as this book is basically CBT in a nutshell. I will finish off where I left off with all my various CBT therapy sessions.

I am also going to give the Stress and Anxiety DVDs and CDs another shot. This program is basically CBT as well. I tried to return the program (as there is a trial period) but I guess I might of had them over the trial period or something because I called several times to get the correct address to return them to and all I got was a bill...go figure. Anyhoo, I think I'm stuck with them so I might as well give them another shot. There is also an online version that is about 20.00/month. I won't be doing that but I will start taking advantage of the forum. If you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about visit http://www.midwestcenter.com/program/.

Back to ACT therapy. I am looking forward to scheduling a consultation to find out what this is all about. I did an online search but ACT is so new that I couldn't find much.

(did i mention that i lost 9 lbs...and i did a master cleanse about 2 weeks ago???...I will be doing another one soon and will document it here...)

I took care of a lot of paperwork...I am very organized but sometimes I think it drives me crazy. If I feel anything is of order, its hard for me to focus on my priorities.

I owe my school about 4,000 dollars and I am suppose to follow up on my appeal and I have been procrastinating and using organizing as my excuse, but in my mind its not really an excuse because I can't focus on my school if I don't organize my other things even if they are trivial in comparison.

Okay, let me go FIND SOME MOTIVATION.

Until then...