Let's talk.

Hey,

I haven't spoken to you in some time. I mean really spoken to you like I use to do in my earlier blog entries. If you were with me when I started this blog then you have followed me from Arizona back to New York.

So I am going to start talking with you again. And painting a picture with words of my day to day life with anxiety.

Today I finally had my long awaited 'annual employee review' with my supervisor. It went well. If it were not for my anxiety, I would be a perfect employee (well, the closest thing to perfect) because the only constructive criticism I received dealt with me not voicing my opinion more and not asking questions or participating more verbally during meetings and conference calls.

Throughout the review process, I sat in a small office with my supervisor, door closed behind me and I must say, I gave great eye contact. I mastered the art of eye contact thanks to my high school music teacher. I participated in a voice workshop in high school...I think I was a freshman. My music teacher...let's call him Mr. Paris. I was so anxious but I have a history of challenging my anxiety and making commitments and then I am too shy to back down as the moment of truth draws nearer so I force myself to fight my anxiety in that way.

So I participated in this voice workshop in which each person had to sing 1 song on stage without any music in the background...acappella. So I chose to sing a song called "Imagine" originally sung by John Lennon but I sang the Tracie Spencer version. (I was a huge fan of hers...segue...I wonder why she stopped singing...as a matter of fact I am going to google her and try to find out if she is still performing but let me finish my point...)

So, Mr. Paris gave each person a task to accomplish while on stage. My task was to make eye contact with each person in the audience...the audience consisted of all the participants, and some professionals in the field including a singer by the name of Judy Torres. I got on that stage as nervous as can be. My best friends had performed before I did and did a great job. When it was my turn. I walked up to that stage...my anxiety was exploding within my body. I saw what I remember to be about 30 people staring at me. Just waiting. Some people had blank faces...my music teacher and my 2 bestfriends were smiling at me and other faces were hard to read.

My soft and might I say pretty voice flowed out of me. My mouth quivered but I maintained a consistant fluidity to my tone...I stared at every single person in the audience and felt so good. I had planned to sing 2 verses but made a decision on that stage to sing only 1 verse as I felt I would be too nervous to complete the song. So I sang the 1st verse and the hook. After the applause, as I started to walk off the stage, Mr. Roman told me to stand there longer and he proceeded to tell the audience about the task he gave me and he commended me for doing an excellent job.

Ever since that day, I never had problems with eye contact.

Back to my employee review:
The 2 things I need to improve on at work are SPEAKING...not even speaking up...just SPEAKING. And the 2nd thing is blushing/smiling when its not really called for. Its a good thing I have a rich brown complexion because I would be red all time from blushing.

Anyways, I'll talk to you later.

Until then

I'M UPLOADING MY INTRO VIDEO ON MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL TONIGHT!! PLEASE CHECK IT OUT AND SUBSCRIBE, LEAVE COMMENTS AND RATE.

MORE TO COME!!

http://www.youtube.com/user/PainfullyShyTV

Black men bashing black women on Youtube???!!!

What is going on? Women of all races...white, black, latina, asian, natives, multiracial, biracial...Let us stop letting men create tension between us. We already have bruised self esteems. Let's strengthen our sisterhood because we are being used. Most men are not doing this but a few are trying to create tension and play on our differences.

I've heard men saying white women feel they are better than other women. White women have to stand up for themselves and let people know that although some of you may feel that way, most of you are not that superficial. Are am I just naive????

Come one women, lets start posting YouTube videos that uplift us. Let's kill the envy that we may feel when a pretty woman is around us and lets recognize that we can still be beautiful even amongst other beauties. There is room for all gorgeous faces.

I am sick of seeing women look at other women up and down with attitude just because they are pretty. Men can see this and some play on this because they know we are competing for their attention or they think we are competing for their attention.

And this is certainly not a male bashing vlog as I admire men, their strength on all levels and wish women can rid themselves of trivial jealousies and create more of a bond like men have amongst each other.

So this is my call to all women. Please send this to as many women and lets start creating uplifting and empowering vlogs online to drown out the gender bashing and race bashing vlogs!!