Did I ever tell you that I was contacted by the Tyra show several months ago to be on a show about phobias? I contacted the show too late but I'm so glad she did a show about this. I missed it. Did anyone see it? It was specifically about anxiety disorders. I don't think I would have had the courage to appear on the show, anyway.
The show contacted me so I guess someone who works there read my blog. That is so cool.
Just wanted to share.
Also, about 10 years ago, I was contacted by a anxiety organization to appear in a documentary about anxiety... I was too shy.
That's why I am so grateful for blogging because I am able to share what living with Social Phobia feels like even though I am too shy to voice it in person.
I give up...I am not sure if my coworkers (not all of them but the duo/trio I told you about) are talking about me behind my back or if they are talking about the ladies I go to lunch with...or what the hell is going on...
There's been alot of drama...a person fired...people quitting...new hires...and maybe its just getting to me.
After a year and a half in the same quiet corner office space I moved to a more "populated" area of the office where the other members of my dept are situated. Im not sure if it was the best thing for me b/c the duo/trio sits there but I guess time will tell.
I am tired of blogging about them...i should be able to shrug it off but I Cant...this is the root of my anxiety problems...I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT ME...I SHOULDN'T IF I KNOW I AM NOT A BAD PERSON...I SHOULDN'T CARE.
THIS IS HORRIBLE B/C I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND IT CONSUMES MY DAY AND MAKES ME EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN I ALREADY AM IN MY ANXIETY RIDDEN STATE.
On another note, my flip ultra cam should arrive any day now. Also, I'm getting glasses next week (astigmatism...i thought i'd have perfect vision forever).
What else...I'm going to do a colon cleanse with a fiber source I purchased at the health food store all weekend. So I will be in the bathroom alot...lol...i know its gross. I am cleaning myself out. I am also conditioning my hair today and will yarn braid my hair tonight but I am going to take my time and style it beautifully rather than rush throught it like I usually do. I am trying to upgrade my look.
I am going to Prague this summer for journalism training this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a passport...quick. I guess I will get it with my next paycheck. I am excited. I hope this will be a life changing journey for me. My first time overseas. I'll share more on that with you all later.
I don't think anyone at my job is talking about me in the negative way I thought.
One of the ladies I referred to in my previous blog entry was so cool today...she complimented me on my outfit and after work she walked with me to the train...MY ANXIETY IS SERIOUSLY DRIVING ME INSANE!!!
I USED UP SO MUCH ENERGY WORRYING THIS WEEK AND TODAY I'M THINKING ITS ALL IN MY HEAD.
What do I do?
I did have a breakthrough moment on the train. A stranger...a lady on the train spoke to me about an incident that occurred on the train and she made some valid points. Of course, I got all clammed up and anxious but I think I played it off real cool.
I instructed myself (in my own thoughts) to breathe but not deep like everyone always tells me too. Not from my nose and out my mouth with long deep breaths but I just breathed in deeper than usual and breathed out softly from my nose. It was not obvious to anyone. While I did this I said "okay (my name here), what is the worse thing that could happen? just be calm. you are fine. I felt the uneasiness in my heart area and stomache area calm every now as my anxiety filled in and oozed out repeatedly. Those moments of calm helped me although I was still feeling the anxiety.
Its hard to explain but its almost like I coached myself through the moment. I was my own source of support.
I felt good about myself. I didn't say much in response to the lady other than "that's true" and nodded and smiled but that's okay.
I don't want to see a therapist anymore. I think it a waste of my time. However, I am going to be open to any new forms of therapy that come out...I heard of one but I can't remember the name of it. Also, I heard that hypnotherapy might work.
I'm all over the place with the structure of my thoughts into words right about now but I have a lot on my mind and my fingers can't keep up with me.
(The incident that happened on the train was an old caucasian man and what might have been his old feeble wife came on and he helped her sit near me. Then he turned to me and said "Your outfit looks great!" I was confused because I was wearing a long black wool coat with a black hat. I guess my confusion was obvious so he asked, "You don't believe me?" (not his exact words...i don't remember his exact words but this is basically what he said) and I asked "Did you say my outfit looks nice?" "Yes" he said.
"Thank you!" I said with a smile. He said my coat and my hat looked very nicely put together or something of that nature.
As he exited the train with the woman, a beautiful black woman sitting to my right commented on how they look like they've been married for 70 years and that marriages these days don't last that long and people don't take marriage vows serious anymore...and so on.
I FEEL LIKE MY JOB IS HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN. DIFFERENT CLIQUES...THE COOL CROWD...THE NERDS...THE PRINCIPAL...IT GOES ON AND ON.
ANYHOO...I HAD LUNCH WITH THE COOL CROWD TODAY...ONE OF THE MEMBERS INVITED ME TO LUNCH AND I DON'T THINK THE OTHER 2 REALLY WANTED ME AROUND B/C IT SEEMED A BIT TENSE.
BUT THERE HAS BEEN SOME RECENT DRAMA...A PERSON WAS FIRED...NO ONE THAT I KNOW OF KNOWS WHY SAID PERSON WAS FIRED...ITS JUST SO HIGH SCHOOL.
I FEEL LIKE A PARTICULAR PERSON DOESN'T LIKE ME OR TALKS ABOUT ME AND IF I EVER FIND OUT THAT SHE DOES IN FACT TALK ABOUT ME I THINK MY ANXIETY WILL CAUSE ME TO SCREAM FROM HAVING TRAPPED EMOTIONS OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT JUST B/C I AM QUIET AND DIFFERENT...SO IF I FIND OUT SOMEONE IS TALKING ABOUT ME *BADLY BEHIND MY BACK I THINK I MIGHT GET SO EMOTIONAL THAT I MIGHT JUST CONFRONT THEM AND QUIT THE JOB THE SAME DAY B/C I DON'T DO ANYTHING TO WARRANT ANYBODY TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK...I AM THE NICEST PERSON TO EVERYONE...TOO NICE.
ANYWAY...IM VENTING.
A COWORKER INVITED ME TO LUNCH AND IT WAS NICE BUT A BIT WEIRD B/C THE OTHER 2 COWORKERS SEEMED UNUSUALLY NOT AS TALKATIVE.
MAYBE ITS JUST ME OVER ANALYZING BUT I TRUST MY GUT FEELINGS.
NEXT WEEK I WILL BE MOVING FROM MY DESK TO A NEW DESK CLOSER TO THE REST OF MY COWORKERS IN MY DEPT.
IM NERVOUS ABOUT THAT...I LIKE BEING IN MY OWN SPACE AND AM VERY NERVOUS.
does anybody out there but me remember a tv show called "swans crossing"?
anyway, it starred that Sarah Mcgellar actress...I'm not sure if I got that name right...I'll have to check it on google and get back to you all.
don't know why that show just crossed my mind today but it did.
until then...
(later)
I did a search and found this website: http://members.aol.com/EdenWinter/swan.html
Swans Crossing was a television show that aired for 13 weeks during the summer of 1992. It was a half-hour teen drama (often called a soap opera) which contained many different story lines including romance, action, science, music, mysteries, and drama! It featured 12 main characters around the ages of fifteen. Swans Crossing was cancelled after a mear 65 episodes were made. The show was one of the first acting jobs for such stars as Sarah Michelle Gellar, Brittany Daniel, and Mira Sorvino!
Now I'm watching OpenHouse NYC...its a half hour show that gives a glimpse of homes up for sale in NYC. One woman looked at 2 places (both 1 bedroom/1 bath) up for over 600,000. She has just 2 weeks to find a place as her current lease is up. I wish I had that kind of money to spend. I wish I could buy a home in the city but I am looking for a home in the outer boroughs in developing areas such as where my mom lives in the Bronx.
The Bronx has a lot of beautiful neighborhoods but the media doesn't highlight those and tends to hold on to the old stereotypical images of the "burning Bronx".
My 2 favorite boroughs in NY are The Bronx and Brooklyn (besides Manhattan). So I want to buy a home in either of those places. I also, lived in Arizona for almost 2 years and would consider buying a home there as well. Also, Las Vegas, France, Haiti, Africa and one other place. That's if I ever become extremely rich...that is.
Oh, here is a video of the 2, 500 - 3,000 dollar car:
I should have my flip camera by the week of the 21st...Martin Luther King, Jr. Day falls on that Monday.
Speaking of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day...Oprah Winfrey is doing something original on Youtube I heard, in memory of this great man. I think people don't give him as much credit as they use to when I was a little girl. When I was little it seemed like whenever we had to write a paper on a historic person 50% of the students would pick Martin Luther King, Jr. Okay...maybe not that high but you get the point but now it feels like people don't care about his legacy as much. Or maybe its just what I'm seeing in my small part of the world.
Well, tomorrow...its back to work. We are getting audited so I am very nervous because the auditors will be walking around...asking questions...maybe even sitting with some of us as we work. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor to get a refill of my Xanax but I realized at the last minute that I was broke and I couldn't afford the copay and the cost of the refill as well. It sucks that I have to pay a copay JUST TO GET A PRESCRIPTION REFILLED. The logic behind it didn't even make sense to me as well because I asked the assistant that answerd the phone:
"why do i have to pay a copay if its just for a refill prescription?"
assistant: if you haven't seen the doctor in more than 2 weeks than you have to pay a copay.
I thought I was making some REAL progress but my experience at work today proved otherwise.
I am STILL too quiet and STILL too self conscious and I STILL overcalculated my every move and the few words I utter. And I STILL keep thinking about what I SHOULD'A & COULD'A said and DRIVING MYSELF INSANE.
A coworker walked by and didn't say Hello and I was, for some unknown reason, CLAMMING UP AND RATHER THAN JUST SAY HELLO MY DAMN SELF...I DIDN'T. FROM THEN ON IT SEEMED LIKE SHE HAD AN ATTITUDE B/C I DIDN'T GREET HER.
EACH TIME SHE WALKED BY SHE DIDN'T SAY A THING AND NEITHER DID I.
At the end of the day, I found out she is not feeling well and SO SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE AT ALL...ITS JUST ME OVERCALCULATING LIKE I ALWAYS DO.
Although, I am pretty sure she DOES talk about me behind my back with her office buddy but I SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT THAT. PEOPLE TALK ABOUT EVERYONE IN THAT OFFICE. THEY COME TO ME WITH STUFF SO I'M PRETTY SURE THEY GO TO OTHERS WITH STUFF ABOUT ME LIKE:
"SHE IS WEIRD...SHE'S SO QUIET...YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THE QUIET ONES...SHE WAS LATE AGAIN TODAY...ETC...ETC.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'M STILL AS SHY AS I WAS WHEN I HAD MY FIRST PANIC ATTACK WHEN I WAS 7 OR 8 YEARS OLD. I'M STILL JUST AS SHY.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. I HAVE DREAMS AND I WILL NEVER REALIZE THEM UNTIL I AM FREE FROM MY ANXIETIES. MY LIFE IS GOING TO WASTE WITH EACH PASSING DAY.
