LUTHER VANDROSS - A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME

My novel!!

I'm working on a novel...I've been writing it since Oct 2003 and I am still not even half way done but I'm still loving the storyline. Its loosely based on my life but its far from my life at the same time.

I may go the self publishing route, possibly via LULU.com but I'm not sure yet. I might try to seek out a publisher first.

I will let you know when I am almost done. I am also working on other novels and 2 children's books...more like the preteen age group. I've been working on most of my stories since the 90's so its been a long time coming.

I remember one time I lost a few of my writings and I cried like a baby. My writings mean so much to me and my characters feel like they are relying on me to set them free and breathe life into them.

I never write unless I feel an inner energy that is forcing me and driving me and calling me to write...that is why its taking me soooo long. I can't write unless I feel it so every single line...every single word in my stories were always fueled by a deep emotion or a memory that had to be released or my brain felt as if it would explode.

So, I hope you all will enjoy my stories when they are FINALLY complete.

Until then...

Happy Friday!!

I'm going to try to pamper myself this weekend while getting some paperwork done effectively and efficiently. I am leaving work early today for a doctor's appt so after my appt. I will try to take care of all my logistics such as bill paying and such so that I have that all out the way before Saturday. Tonight I will wash my hair then give myself a facial, manicure, a spa shower, and maybe a foot soak.

Then as I relax on my bed and watch TV, I will lay out any letters I have to write and get to work.

Saturday, I will mail out anything that I have to mail then I will probably start writing my novel again or I will work on my magazine for a bit. Or I'll read a book.

Actually, scratch all that...I'll just play by ear b/c I'm starting to bore myself with my plans and I'm not sure if I want to do it that way after all.

We'll see.

Until then...

Girlfriends

Ok. I may be depressed but I'm still thankful. (In about 4 previous posts I have not been using proper "language arts" skills...the writer in me is picky about such things so I apologize.)

Anyway, I am thankful for my girlfriends. Although I am a very sporadic type of friend due to my severe anxieties...my friends have stuck with me regardless. I forget that I have friends sometimes...only because I don't do my part much.

My girls invite me places, they email me all the time...the only reason they stopped calling me all the time is because I never seem to answer my phone (b/c I panic). I don't think they know the severity of my anxiety problem but they have an idea.

I'm mostly referring to 3 people as I write this. I won't say their names but I'll just say I love my girls!!!

(P.S. I also love the CW sitcom, Girlfriends, which I've added as a link to this post's title)

Until then...

Yarn Braids vs Synthetic or Human Hair Braids

I braided my hair with yarn the weekend of Nov. 11th and I am not removing them until Dec 10th. My hair will be at least 1/2 inch longer. I will redo them that same day and leave in for another month and so on until I've achieved my desired lenghth.

I know I will miss running my fingers through my natural tight nappy curls so there is a chance I may leave it out for about a week after I remove the yarn braids.

I must tell you...I love the yarn braids. They match my natural woolly hair texture and they do not tear my hair b/c its so soft.

I love it better than synthetic or human hair b/c whenever I remove synthetic or human hair braids, i notice a lot of breakage because my real hair tends to get mangled and caught up in the many strands and its just not the best situation.

I love yarn braids and its so easy to maintain. I wash my hair every weekend with my favorite moisturizing shampoo then i let it air dry then spray it with my concoction of oils and water. I spritz it each night as well along with a refreshing concoction of menthol, eucalyptus, camphor oils, barry's tricopherous and water.

Until then...

The Wendy Williams Experience

I sent an email instead to wendy@thewendywilliamsexperience.com.

I'll post a copy of the email if she responds. I'm listening to her show now...hopefully she sends some advice through the radio.

I'm crossing my fingers...until then...

LUNCHTIME

a coworker of mine invited me to join her and another coworker for lunch. It was nice...we just took a walk and then picked up a little something to eat to take out. Then we sat in the tiny break room and ate and chatted for about 15 minutes.

I needed that today. The lady who invited me has taken a liking to me and she is an African American woman in her 50's. She always comes by my desk and talks so I didn't feel so anxious to go to lunch with her plus this is about the 3rd time I've taken a lunchtime walk with her. The other lady is about 27 and she is Latina. She and I have so much in common I discovered during this lunchbreak. She is sort of soft spoken and she has a pretty spanish accent.

So that's about all for now.

oh...one more thing...im thinking maybe i should remove my dad's pics from my desk area b/c it is very heartbreaking to see him right there all the time. at the same time...i'd probably feel worse if i took them down. i had 2 pics but i already took 1 down and left the smaller one up. the larger pic is actually the funeral program so i think that made it very depressing. i have it on my desk but its covered. i will leave the smaller pic up.


Until then...

1-866-GET-WENDY

Say what you will about Wendy Williams but she is brutally honest for the most part. I listen to her most of the time at work from about 2-5ish...sometimes i miss an hour if i have a late lunch but her radio show is on in NY from 2pm -7pm on WBLS.

Anyway, she gives great advice and I'm thinking about calling her but she is so brutal at times that she just might make me cry but maybe that's what i need. I might try to sneak a call at my desk today but I have to be sure no one can hear me.

If not today then I'll try some other day but I do plan on calling at some point. (1866getwendy is the number if anyone wants her advice) I did email her but if she did read my email and commented there is a good chance I wasn't listening that day.

Until then,

Kabbalah

I almost forgot that I'm attending a free seminar tonight at the Kabbalah Center. I will let you all know how it went.

I've been thinking maybe what I need is to get in touch with my spiritual side. A part of me that has been neglected since I graduated high school in 1995.

The seminar is called The Power of Kabbalah.

until then

I'm depressed

how did it come to this? each day feels like im falling deeper into a hole. i have debts and even as i pay them it seems there is no end. now i have to start paying my school loans off soon and i could barely make ends meet now. im trying to buy a condo but my credit score seems to plummet even as i make my payments. so im reduced to writing letter after letter to the creditors and credit agencies to figure this mess out.

i wanted to be an actor. why am i accounts receivable? i wanted to be a writer. i wanted to launch my magazine but i can barely make time for myself let alone my career goals and entrepreneurial aspirations.

im 30...i know what i want...i just don't know how to get it. or maybe i do but i guess it all comes back to my anxiety. im afraid to step out on the edge. i want to be safe.

when i was a kid i always felt ridiculed by my peers in some way...i was awkward...so now im afraid to put myself in a position to be mocked...to put myself out there...make myself vulnerable...im afraid of what others will say...but at the same time i don't care.

should i try to find a therapist again? im over it...i don't want to go through therapy anymore. i could use that time it takes to travel to my appointments, sit through my appointments, and travel back home towards my dreams. i could use that time. im tired of giving away my time to others, others meaning my job (which i hate), paperwork (which i hate), and other things.

i have to figure out a plan to strengthen my willpower because it is one of my weakest characteristics. i need willpower to stick to my guns...stick to my word...if i say i want to lose weight then i should just do it...if i want to launch my mag...just do it...if i want to act...just do it...regardless of my fears. but how?

RADIO SHOW

You all never emailed me or commented on your preferred time slots and days for my radio show. I want to know that you will be listening so I can start the first show ASAP. Let me know.

I'm depressed today by the way. I feel like a loser here at work doing a job I have no passion for and that is far from what I dreamed I'd be.

Until then...

Why Black Women Are Angry: NBC NIGHTLY NEWS SERIES ON AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMEN AND WHERE THEY STAND - PART I

Why Black Women Are Angry: NBC NIGHTLY NEWS SERIES ON AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMEN AND WHERE THEY STAND - PART I

"NBC NIGHTLY NEWS WITH BRIAN WILLIAMS" SPECIAL

"NBC NIGHTLY NEWS WITH BRIAN WILLIAMS" SPECIAL
FIVE-PART SERIES "AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN: WHERE THEY
STAND" TO AIR BEGINNING ON MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26
NBC Mon, Nov 26..., 6:30 PM NBC Nightly News

Thank you!

I want to dedicate this entry to all my subscribers. Thank you in honor of Thanksgiving. Despite the history and the great debates surrounding the history of Thanksgiving (you know...the Pilgrims and the Native Americans...etc...)...I am grateful we can use the day to give thanks even though we should do so everyday.


I wish the Native Americans were not killed off and were not regulated to small reservations scattered throughout America and it saddens me but at the same time I am grateful to have the things I do in my life.

Thanksgiving can be bittersweet for countless reasons including old childhood memories, the homeless, and so on.

I hope you all enjoyed the long weekend and thanks for subscribing.

Until then...

Kanye West & his mom

I am a fan of Kanye West and his work. I am feeling so much sorrow for him and his family's loss.

Kanye and I have a lot in common. We were born the same year just 2 days apart. He is exactly (from what I see in pics and on tv)...he is exactly my skin complexion...he loves his mom...and we both experienced the death of a parent in the same year and 2 months apart.

Its hard to stay strong, focused, motivated, and sane in such times and I feel so sad for him. His mom was such a beautiful woman and she loved him so much as it was obvious when she spoke of him and in the book that she wrote, as well.

Life is very harsh sometimes. There are no words that can console him...he will need time and a way to direct his sorrow to make a change so that what has happened to his mom does not happen again.

Nooses, The N Word, Youtube...

What is going on with the sudden burst of race crimes in the U.S.? It seems like ever since sites like Youtube, etc. the true hidden feelings of Americans have risen to the surface. People can hide behind their computers and be honest about their true feelings regarding other races and ethnicities.

Its sad because all along we thought we'd made so much progress in America and we haven't at all. Not a bit.

Now what?

Until then...

Coworker & Diet help

My coworker that I blogged about in a recent blog has been sharing some great diet resources with me. She put me on to this amazing website that has great low cal recipes. The site is linked to the title of this blog entry, just in case you want to check it out.

Well, its a new month and I'm trying to motivate myself to get back on track with many things. I am having problems paying of some money that I owe my school and I have to pay this ASAP b/c I want my diploma already!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been a source of much depression for me.

Also, I am going to start working on my magazine again.

I am getting my painfullyshy blogtalkradio show prepared for next Friday. (Hope you tune in) www.blogtalkradio.com/painfullyshy

Also, I have been accepted to a journalism training program in the Czech Republic but it costs about 1400 and this does not include the plane tickets and I have to come up with this money by mid Dec and get a passport which is about 100.00.

I'm also saving up with my boyfriend for a wedding for next year and on top of that I am saving to buy a condo.

I only make 28,000 a year at my job and this is going to be a major problem. I am looking for a 2nd job and am trying to find some freelance writing jobs as well.

Until then...

B.D.D.

Has anyone heard of this? Get back to me.

Until then...