AWKWARDNESS

I feel awkward around that coworker who told me about her eating disorder. I bumped into her this morning while waiting for the elevator to up to work and I was speechless. I wanted to thank her for sharing that info but there were others around which made me even more nervous.

Also, the drama at work seems to be escalating. People are talking behind other's backs and I have to hear it from all sides. I'm keeping my opinions to myself but I'm just nervous that I may be seen as a gossip just by association if someone walks by and sees a particular person talking to me. I hate this stuff. Even when your neutral, you can get all mixed up in situations.

If I were outspoken, I would be blunt yet respectful and say "Honestly, I don't want to hear about anyone else. If you have something to say about someone please don't discuss with me unless you've confronted them already. Its just wrong to gossip all day like this!!!" Or something of that nature.

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!

Until then...

Eating Disorders

I'm on a diet AGAIN. This time I am researching my options and will officially start day 1 on October 31st.

A co-worker of mine shared a story about her dealing with an eating disorder and I'm surprised she shared this info with me. Actually it was on her blog but she reached out to me in an email and sent me the link.

I wrote a blog entry on another myspace page that I have (which I will not share with you all at this moment because it has my photos, etc) and she replied offering to help me and be supportive as I go through my diet.

This girl is the perfect model size and she is tall...I would have never thought she has dealt with dieting issues. I'm surprised she shared this w/ me. I'm glad though.

Dietiing is hard especially at work b/c I have the urge to snack all the time and when I go out to lunch its so tempting to buy a meal and sit and eat partly b/c I want to get out of the office for the full lunch hour and if I don't sit and eat somewhere, what else is there to do?

Anyway, I hope this time I really lose the weight and get down to my ideal weight. Being overweight is not helping my anxiety problem at all.

I'm sitting on my bed now and my boyfriend is sitting on a beach chair that we bought. I'm on the computer (obviously) and he is watching The Goonies. How cute.

Well, that's all for tonight.

Until then...

I've been invited to a Halloween Party

More on that later...I'm at work.

NYC...1 YEAR SINCE...

Its been 1 year since I moved back to New York from Phoenix, AZ. Time flies. Everything has been so hectic ever since. I moved back in Oct and started my job in November and I'm still working at the same job. Anyway. I had so many goals for turning 30 and for my new life back in NY.

Have I accomplished my goals yet? NO. But I am taking the steps necessary to get there.

I started recording for my vlog already but I am not happy with the footage I've gotten but I am still working on it. I want it to be aesthetically appealing b/c I don't plan to reveal my face just yet. I will be doing some commentary and interviews and some mini documentaries on anxiety.

In my earlier blog entries, I mentioned that I was trying a program called Attacking Anxiety by Lucinda Bassett. I still have the program at home but I am trying to return it because it didn't really work for me. The program is great though and I could see how it could work for many others but its just not doing it for me. However, I am going to buy the book that Lucinda wrote called From Panic to Power. I owned it before but I think I sold it or gave it away before I moved to Arizona. I was trying to get rid of a lot of my things but I wish I'd kept it. At some point...if I remember...I plan to purchase the book again.

Until then...

Worse vs Worst

"Worse" is a comparative, as in "Mtv's 'The Real World' is worse than it used to be.
"Worst" is a superlative, as in "but, 'The Real World-Las Vegas was the worst."

Credit goes to: http://bradley.chattablogs.com/archives/027147.html

(I used worse incorrectly in my last blog entry and changed it to worst. I thought I'd share this w/ you all. I'm sort of a geek in that aspect. I hate when I make grammatical errors. It sucks b/c when I was younger these things came easy to me and now I find myself making errors more often.)

GOSSIP

How is a shy girl to deal with all the gossip at work. People talk about other people and I just listen. I'm to shy too say anything and I don't contribute to the gossip, however I feel just as wrong for not telling them to stop. I'm just as bad for listening.

This one of the reasons why I find the socialization aspect of work environments so difficult. Its no different from when I was in elementary school or high school. Same thing but more pitiful b/c these are adults...not children and teens.

I'm at work now sneaking in this entry while its fresh on my mind.

The worst part is I know that if people are talking about others behind their backs, they are doing it to me too. They are talking about me being late to work all the time and me being so damn quiet. I just know it and it makes my anxieties worse.

Until then...

Spelling, Syntax, Grammar...

I apologize for the slight errors in my writings found in my last few posts. I love to write and edit so I notice these things and it bothers me but I don't feel like going back and correcting them right now but maybe later in the week.

Ok. Bye.

Real Estate, Back Pain & ???

I am trying to buy a condo. I found the perfect location and its a new construction. I have to call the broker this week to see where I stand as far as my income and credit. I also found a few other condos that I like in other locations and a few houses. I attended a Homebuyers Expo last weekend and I was able to brush up on info that I already knew and I obtained updated info as well.

I am sooooo ready to invest. I am not even considering renting at this point. One of the things my dad told me before he passed was that I should seriously consider buying rather than renting...so here I am.

I've been experiencing a lot of lower back pain lately. I'm only 30 so I really need to start finding solutions to this. I'm going to stretch tonight.

I took my Xanax about 3 hours ago. So far, no adverse reactions...so that's a plus. Just waiting for it to work on my anxiety but that can take weeks...I think...we'll see.

Nighty-night. Actually, I'm gonna surf the web...I just visited my myspace account...no new friends but that's okay. http://www.myspace.com/diaryofashyblackwoman I'll have to add some soon but not tonight. I'm also gonna try to finish reading my latest book (Get Yours by Amy Dubois Barnett). Its extremely practical and motivational.

Until then...

Sept 10th to Oct 7th - No entries for a reason...

My father passed away the 3rd week of September. I love him so very much and am still in denial. It doesn't seem real for many reasons so I will keep this brief. I don't want to allow my mind to go there tonight. Its too painful and I'm still trying to figure out how to wrap my mind and my life around this.

Until then...

GO BACK TO MY MAY 20TH 2007 ENTRY then read this...Xanax

Okay. Now I never followed up on this. I saw my primary care physician (pcp) and he advised that I stop the inderol completely. The rash/allergic reaction went away. I had welts all over my chest, stomach, neck area and I all traces have completely went away. I thought they would have left dark marks on my skin but its all gone. I stopped seeing the psychiatrist who prescribed the medication because he was negligent. Inderol is used to lower blood pressure which in turn would calm my nerves if I have anxiety. The problem: He never tested my blood pressure. So if I already had low blood pressure, I could have died. I stopped taking paxil too b/c I didn't really feel a difference. Sometimes I vaguely thought I did, but it didn't help me. I was still as anxious as when I'm not on anything.

Furthermore, after I stopped the paxil. I felt electric shock sensations in my head and throughout my body every few seconds and it lasted for about a month.

Its been about 4 months and I thought I would never try another medication but my PCP prescribed Xanax. He says Xanax is an anti-anxiety medication and not an anti-depressant so he thinks it should work better for me. He is a very understanding doctor and doesn't rush me. He asked me to stop by his office in a week or 2 just to let him know if the Xanax works, etc. He sort of reminds me of my dad...a caucasian version.

So I start my Xanax tonight. Actually let me take it right now before I forget.... .... ... done!

Until then...

Imago

My boyfriend and I are gonna work things out. He is open to pre-marriage counseling or something of that nature...couple's therapy, etc. I've heard of Imago Relationships Therapy (http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com) so at some point I will look into it further.

I'll tell you more about the outcome another time.

Did I mention that my boyfriend proposed to me when we lived in Arizona? I have to go back into my blogs and see what I've shared already. I don't want to repeat myself. If you're interested in finding out what happened with the engagement...let me know.

I try not to share too much about my relationship but every now and then I'll divulge.

Until then...

Okay, its really late this time...

(THIS PHOTO IS NOT OF THE REAL PERSON, ITS SIMPLY FOR CREATIVE PURPOSES)
Its almost 2am. Just wanted to check in real quick to say hello. Today was a good day again. Uneventful though. Remember that receptionist from my job that I blogged about last year? If not, then you need to catch up. Go back and read my old stuff.

Well, she is an extraordinary person. She is 90 now and she is very energetic and all there.

I think old people are disrespected and discriminated against so much that its so normal to make jokes about them. I don't think its right. She is a prime example that stereotypes about elder people are just that...just stereotypes and nothing more.

Why do people make fun of old people? We are all headed in that direction. Why are people so hesitant to say there real ages. I see it all the time on myspace, etc when people hide their real ages, etc. Why?

With all this stuff about 30s being the new 20s and 60s being the new 40s, you'd think we'd be over this by now. I mean do you rather die young or grow old?

People need to grow up. Whenever I tell people I'm 30 they always say "you look 23" or something of that nature as if looking 23 is the pinnacle of living. Have you seen what 30 looks like now?

Look at Cameron Diaz, JLo, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Gabrielle Union...hell I'd rather look like these ladies in their 30s than most 20 somethings I see nowadays.

But I love you 20somethings out there...don't get me wrong...just grow up.

until then...

(maybe I'm not having a good day afterall...im sleepy ya'll...g'nite)

Still awake...

Its almost midnight. I had a good day today. Still have problems but it was a good day. I had a few moments that almost triggered anxiety attacks but I breathed through them and tried to be a bit more supportive to myself.

My boss came by my cubicle...well almost-cubicle-like-desk-area and had a visitor. He was showing him how our computer database system works and he used me to demonstrate. I didn't have to do much I just sat there as he talked and I clicked on different windows. It was completely unexpected and I was not warned. After it was over (lasted only about 3 minutes) I started being hard on myself and wishing I had spoken up and said something clever, witty, or funny but somehow I stopped myself from letting it explode. As I think of it now, I still kinda wish I had did more but I am going to try and "hold my hand" through these times. I can't rely on anyone but me to get me through this and I can't expect anyone else to understand. I'm the only me there will ever be so I have to be more patient and loving to my own self.

Well I'm off to blogtalkradio to find a show to listen to as I dose off to sleep. Thanks for reading. I promised you that I'd start writing more and so far I've kept my word!!!

Remember the radio show is coming soon but I need feedback on time slots/days and the vlog is coming soon on Youtube. I have some amazing ideas for the vlog. I might not show my face for the first few vlogs b/c I'm very nervous about that but I will bring a lot of resourceful and creative ideas to you and I hope we can make this an interactive experience.

And let me reiterate that I empathize with all Shy people not just Black women but I feel that due to stereotypes about Black Women, many of us who are painfully shy are overlooked, feel alone, get wrongfully judged and more.

Until then...

My radio show...

I have not officially started my 1st radio broadcast on www.blogtalkradio.com/painfullyshy but I will by the 1st week of November. Remember the show will be live late Friday nights at 12:30AM. Please let me know if you think this is a bad time. I chose it because if you are shy, you are most likely to feel less anxious on a late Friday night when most people are asleep and chances are you don't have to work the next day.

But let me know what the best times are for you by sending me about 3 choices and I will look over all of them and compromise on the best time slot to benefit you all. Its time that we shy people talk amongst ourselves and help each other out.

Its time that we LIVE our lives and stop the wishful thinking and the envious feelings of other people's lives. Our lives are meant to be lived and I want to help myself while helping YOU.

I think by simply calling in live to the show and talking with me...you would have already made a giant step. I can be your "friend in your head" like Wendy Williams always says. (I admit I listen to the Wendy Williams show when I'm at work...it makes the day go by faster)

Anyways, I will post another entry soon to let you know exactly when the 1st show will be. DON'T FORGET TO SEND ME TIME SLOT SUGGESTIONS.

Until then...

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/painfullyshy

I didn't move to L.A. / and questions about Arguing....

I'm still in NY. I wonder why everytime I want to "run away", Los Angeles is always my fantasy place to run to? I guess its that secret dream of becoming an actor.

Anyways, I'm still in NY and still with my boyfriend. We had another argument last night and again today. Am I stupid for staying? Do other couples argue regularly? I'm thinking arguing is normal...let me know how many times you and your significant other argue to give me some peace of mind.