I WANT TO MOVE TO LOS ANGELES AND START MY LIFE OVER

I don't think its going to work out with me and my boyfriend. This is what just took place.

BF: WHAT'S WRONG

ME: I'M NOT SURE WHATS WRONG, I JUST NEED TIME TO THINK IN MY OWN HEAD

BF: IM NOT STUPID, I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG

ME: I JUST SAID I WASN'T SURE AND I NEED TIME TO THINK IT OVER IN MY HEAD

BF: IS IT SOMETHING I DID

ME: NO, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, I JUST NEED TO BE IN MY OWN THOUGHTS. I'M FINE. ITS NOT A BIG DEAL.

BF: WHAT'S WRONG

ME: NOTHING IS WRONG

BF: COME ON IS IT ME. I WANT TO BE SURE. IS IT YOUR NIECE. I COULD TELL SOMETHING IS WRONG

ME: I JUST TOLD YOU THAT IM NOT SURE WHAT IM FEELING. I JUST WANT TO THINK IN MY OWN HEAD. ITS NOT YOU. I'M OKAY.

BF: THIS IS NOT FAIR

ME: WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU. I JUST TOLD YOU ITS NOT YOU. SOMETIMES ITS BEST FOR PEOPLE TO NOT TALK AND JUST THINK

BF: THIS IS NOT FAIR. YOU'RE NOT A SINGLE PERSON. YOU SHOULD TELL ME EVERYTHING. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

ME: THIS IS CRAZY NOW IM REALLY CONFUSED. NOW IM FEELING MORE ANXIOUS

BF: THIS ISN'T FAIR AT ALL. I DON'T HAVE ANXIETY. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO READ YOUR MIND.

ME: WE'VE HAD THIS SAME ARGUMENT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE AND EACH TIME YOU APOLOGIZE AND EACH TIME YOU SAY YOU UNDERSTAND ANXIETY

BF: FINE (HE WALKS OUT)


This is what I deal with EVERY DAY. WHAT SHOULD I DO? HELP ME. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR JUST ABOUT 4 YEARS. AM I SMART TO STAY WITH HIM OR IS IT HURTING MY DEVELOPMENT MORE?

HELP!!!

IM ON THE LINE WITH AMTRAK. I WANT TO BUY A ONE WAY TICKET TO L.A. AND LEAVE THIS FRIDAY.

HELP.

September 11th: In Memory

Updates

I haven't lost much weight. Actually I lost about 10 pounds and gained it back and now I lost 1.1 pounds.

I cut my hair and now it is starting to puff out again. YEAH!!!! I think its only just over an inch long but before it was probably half an inch. It grows so lush and gorgeous in its natural state but I'm still trying to combat my thin hairline that happened due to tight braids. RUN ON SENTENCE FOR SURE.

I am such a perfectionist and worry wort that I am constantly late for work. This is horrid. I fuss with myself in the mirror so long and feel nothing is ever right and I get so anxious about riding the train and going to work. My anxieties continue to get the best of me.

I am creating my own anti anxiety plan and if it works I will share it. I will do a step by step plan and I will not move to the next step until I have completely researched/practiced/approved the current step and so on and so forth.

I'm still working on my magazine.

I am trying to decide what I want to focus on for graduate school and I will start applying soon. I just have some loose ends to fix with my undergrad college.

I am going to also work on a vlog and share that with you all later.

My boyfriend has been inviting me to visit his brother in Pennsylvania for months now and I am tooo nervous and now his brother has basically stopped asking us to come. He probably thinks I don't want to come. I do want to but I'm way to panicky. Plus its all the way in Pa and I will be far from home so its not like I could say "I have to go home" and leave on my own. I would need to have them drive me back and deal with the awkwardness on the full ride back.

The internet age is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every time I'm online I learn of a new form of online networking. Things are moving superfast. Its crazy, scary, interesting, convenient, scary, scary, scary.

I haven't been blogging as much because I'm working on a book that deals with anxiety. More info to come later. Also, there is some devastating events happening in my life which I'll share later but please keep my family in your prayers.

Until then