GOODBYE 20'S

TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY.

Maturation

I am not sure if the realization that I am turning 30 is forcing me to dive into my dreams because I fear being 40 and regretful of what I didn't do with my life...or is it simply that God has timed it perfectly so that at 30 a person begins to feel the drive to succeed nudging them harder. Does that make sense?

I got a call from a cousin today. I haven't seen her since I was about 17 or so. I had always thought of her...for instance, just the other day when I went to Harlem to buy some unrefined shea butter for my hair, i thought of her. It reminded me of the time she visited my family and she took me along with her to find some natural soap and butters in Harlem. It was a marvelous memory because I had always admired this particular cousin because she was always so elegant - not in a diamond and heels sort of way but in a simple way. She was always so sophisticated and carried herself so well and although she had a soft voice and was only about 5'4" and very slender she always seemed to be perfectly assertive yet sooo genuine and refreshing to be around.

The last time I spoke to her before today, I remember we happened to be reading the same book by Iyanla Vanzant. I always felt she was a kindred spirit.

So to my surprise, my mom knocked on my door and told me a surprise person wanted to talk to me on the phone. I was not as nervous as I usually get when I feel I am being put on the spot...maybe the paxil is kicking in after all.

So finally my mom revealed that it was my cousin and I was amazed. I don't know why she hadn't contacted me in so long but I didn't dare ask. We are about 10 years apart in age so I am sure whatever the reason, I was probably not the person she would have connected with anyway.

On the phone I was still not as nervous as I usually would be in these situations but there were a few...very few...awkward moments of brief silence. They probably seemed long to me but in reality they weren't at all. I'm not sure. I just know that I felt so good after talking to her but even still, I felt and still feel saddened by the entire thing and how my family is. I am as much to blame as everyone else but we never get together like a family should. It's an empty feeling. To my credit I called my older brother last week just to say hello. I hardly do that and he always lectures me about it. I love my family and I hope in my 30's I show it more. I have to force myself to even when I panic because I am learning that time flies and anxiety is not worth my losing time with the ones I

love.

My birthday is next week, you all!!

What should I do for my birthday. I thought I would have made a complete turnaround by then but I have not. I'm still in the mix of my change and am feeling a lot of emotions right now.

I can't give up however I am discouraged. The paxil hasn't kicked in yet and its been almost 3 weeks.

I wanted to recite one of my poems at a poetry event but I AM SOOOOOOO NERVOUS ABOUT THAT and I wanted to record it so I can show you all (still waiting for my camcorder to arrive).

What ideas can you all give me. How should I celebrate my 30th birthday???? I can't believe I will be in my 30's. Its going to feel weird the 1st time someone asks me "how old are you?"

Ideas...Ideas...I need ideas. I am taking tues, wed, and thurs off from work next week to have time to pamper myself and be alone without hardly anyone in my mom's apartment during the day. I am going to trim my hair ends and paint my nails and maybe get a pedicure. I want to blast some India Arie & Kelly Rowland & some Lauryn Hill and a little bit of Stevie Wonder and sprinkle in some Bon Jovi and Jay Z and Maroon & Corine Bailey Rae and more and more music to fill my soul and INSPIRE ME!!

I need inspiration.

I am starting to take care of my natural nappy hair much better. My hair is slowly getting stronger and it is not breaking as much so I am happy about that. I want to grow out my thick tight curls very long and lush!! My hair is a metaphor for my spirit. It needs tender loving care and patience and positive energy.

I am slowly starting to think about becoming a vegetarian. Its just a thought now. I am becoming more aware of what I use on my skin and hair and what I eat. I bought a shampoo yesterday that contains ZERO ALCOHOL in it. I recently found out that products that contain alcohol are extremely bad for my hair and hair products without alcohol are hard to find. But this shampoo is great and contains oils and citrus acid and peppermint. Its is gentle enough for me to use on my body. I think its called Dr. Woods are something of that nature.

I went off topic but I have a lot on my mind. My mind is holding so much info right now and I am overwhelmed. But its FRIDAY so I will try not to complain to much. I am going to try and get as much stuff done this weekend so I can feel much better on my birthday.

I still have hives all over my body. My doctor's appointment is on Thursday morning.

I will be back to share more later today or sometime this weekend. I love all of you for reading and sharing your stories with me. You all have helped me more than anything I have tried so far as far as my anxiety goes. I love you all!!!!!

Until then...