I ordered a digital camera with camcorder capabilities today. It should arrive in about 3-4 weeks and then I will start my vlog...hopefully. I plan to record on the weekends and give you all an idea of what its like to live with debilitating forms of anxiety. Also, I will have my boyfriend record me sometimes and most of the time I will do it myself.
I am excited because I love the idea of being on camera...believe it or not. I love capturing LIFE!!! Its easier than being in front of real people...its safer.
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Latest Social Anxiety News
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
My dad...
I sent my father a card in March just to wish him a Happy Belated birthday and truly to just connect with him again since I haven't spoken to or seen him in years.
I used his birthday as an excuse to send the card and I wrote my phone #, email, and my magazine's website in the card.
I mailed it early one weekday, while I went out on my daily walk to the post office to get the mail for my job.
The next day, I get a voicemail from my dad. This was in March. He called and left about 3 messages. I haven't called back because I am toooooooo shyyyyyyyy and we are almost in June.
My anxiety is that bad. I have a few other people who have contacted me and I continuously send text messages as to avoid calling them because I am too nervous. Friends, family, business calls....every call is hard for me let alone face to face contact.
I'm going to lose all my friends and family because of this. Everyone is going to think I don't like them or I don't want to talk to them.
Time is ticking and I have to find a way to get over this anxiety fast.
Until then...
I used his birthday as an excuse to send the card and I wrote my phone #, email, and my magazine's website in the card.
I mailed it early one weekday, while I went out on my daily walk to the post office to get the mail for my job.
The next day, I get a voicemail from my dad. This was in March. He called and left about 3 messages. I haven't called back because I am toooooooo shyyyyyyyy and we are almost in June.
My anxiety is that bad. I have a few other people who have contacted me and I continuously send text messages as to avoid calling them because I am too nervous. Friends, family, business calls....every call is hard for me let alone face to face contact.
I'm going to lose all my friends and family because of this. Everyone is going to think I don't like them or I don't want to talk to them.
Time is ticking and I have to find a way to get over this anxiety fast.
Until then...
My boyfriend
I don't understand my boyfriend sometimes. He is staying at my place (well its my mom's place cuz I'm staying at my mom's until I find an affordable apartment) and all week he has been coming in later than usual. He said he fell asleep on the train and I believe him because he has been going to bed extremely late each night. I mean like 4AM and waking at 7AM. Anyway, he just called me and told me that he fell asleep on the train and he missed his stop. Then he called me again about 20 minutes later and told me he just got off the subway and is walking over to the apartment and he got angry because he says all week I did not make a big deal about him coming in late and he wishes I would act like a normal girlfriend. He says he feels I have been holding back and not questioning him.
I am soooo confused because all week I have been telling him how much I miss him and joking about how he doesn't like me because he keeps coming in later. And now he tells me I hold back. Why would I interrogate him if he's already explained himself to me and I trust him? Now that makes me wonder if he was lying to me.
Until then...
I am soooo confused because all week I have been telling him how much I miss him and joking about how he doesn't like me because he keeps coming in later. And now he tells me I hold back. Why would I interrogate him if he's already explained himself to me and I trust him? Now that makes me wonder if he was lying to me.
Until then...
Poetry...My video blog...and more...
My 30th birthday is almost 2 weeks away. Here's what I have in store. I am saving up to buy a camcorder to start a video blog in which I will post here and on my myspace page and on YouTube. I will document my social experiences and such. I wanted to remain anonymous but I think I will make more progress if I share more of me with all of you.
Also, I am on my 2nd week taking Paxil. I haven't quite noticed any significant changes as far as how I react in social situations. I don't have a therapist anymore so I will start listening to my Attacking Anxiety CDs and reading more books on the subject to help myself along while I search for a therapist.
I am searching for a venue to perform my poetry for the 1st time in public. I am excited yet not sure if I will actually have the guts to go through with it but I want to do this in either May or June.
I have additional big news but don't want to share that yet.
Have a great Memorial's Day weekend everyone!!!! If you sent me emails at Painfullyshy@rock.com...I haven't checked my email in awhile but I will soon!!! I am still catching up on school work.
Please continue to write...I love ya'll...Keep in touch often.
Until then...
Also, I am on my 2nd week taking Paxil. I haven't quite noticed any significant changes as far as how I react in social situations. I don't have a therapist anymore so I will start listening to my Attacking Anxiety CDs and reading more books on the subject to help myself along while I search for a therapist.
I am searching for a venue to perform my poetry for the 1st time in public. I am excited yet not sure if I will actually have the guts to go through with it but I want to do this in either May or June.
I have additional big news but don't want to share that yet.
Have a great Memorial's Day weekend everyone!!!! If you sent me emails at Painfullyshy@rock.com...I haven't checked my email in awhile but I will soon!!! I am still catching up on school work.
Please continue to write...I love ya'll...Keep in touch often.
Until then...
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Hair, Therapists, School...
I usually wear extensions in my hair in the style of long braids. I recently removed my extensions to reveal my shorter, unrelaxed, tight curls. Many people at work commented and to my surprise many people thought the long braids were my real hair. The black girls knew it wasn't so I didn't have to explain to EVERYONE.
It was a bit annoying having to explain to alot of people but I guess its not their fault. Anyway, I'm unhappy with my natural hair because it is taking soooo long to grow out. I should rephrase that. I love my natural hair but and its not really that its taking a long time to grow...my hair grows pretty fast but my ends just continue to break just as fast as my new growth comes in so it appears as if my hair is not growing. Its hard to take care of the ends of my hair because they are tightly curled. Every time I run a comb through them I tear some ends out.
I am thinking about hot pressing my hair straight because I don't want to put any chemical straighteners in my hair. I like having options to wear my hair curly and being able to switch from straight to curly without permanently switching to straight. Plus, my hair was chemical straightened up until about the age of 19 or so and I did not like the fact that I had to continuously put chemicals on the new growth each month. It was to much and it irritated my scalp. But I am not sure if pressing my hair straight is feasible because then I have to make sure it doesn't get wet or I have to be careful when its too humid or when I exercise and sweat, etc. Its too much of a hassle.
I am currently wearing it natural and for work I usually hold it back with a thin scarf and leave the hair out and wild but I hate the fact that I have to style it like this each day. If I don't wear the scarf it looks too wild and not professional for work. And to make things even worse, my hairline is very delicate and thin because when I wore braids I would pull it back into a tight ponytail.
I love the texture of my natural hair but to all of you out there with straight, wavy, or loose curls...nappy hair is very delicate. It may seem like people with tight curls...frizzy hair...nappy hair...have strong hair but it is very delicate and needs patience.
Today at work, a coworker commented that everytime he sees a black girl with long hair its almost always a weave and those without weaves have short hair. He said it with such a negative tone but I wish I could have taken that time to enlighten him of how difficult it is for a black woman to take care of her hair in such a busy hectic world when most people don't have enough time in a day for much of anything. Its not as simple as just running a comb through your hair. (And next time you see a black girl with long hair, don't assume its fake...there are many black woman with long hair like another coworker of mine).
I wonder if my struggles with my hair have added to my being so painfully shy? I remember school kids telling me I looked like a boy when I was a little girl after I had gotten my first haircut. It was embarrassing. I wonder if that left an emotional scar that I never really thought about on that level?
There is a black woman by the name of Cathy Howse that I am researching online because she seems to know a lot about black hair and growth, etc. I am thinking about starting a challenge of my own on another blog for black women to successfully grow there hair out long and give daily tips on the blog. Or I may just add that right here.
On another topic, my therapist, who was quite mean to me about missing my appt, contacted me and her last email was nice. She gave me advice on how to find a therapist, etc. She was actually responding to an email I sent her in which I explained to her my situation with missing appts and not calling but emailing her instead.
I'm still behind on school work. Will try to catch up tonight so let me get off my blog for now.
Until then...
It was a bit annoying having to explain to alot of people but I guess its not their fault. Anyway, I'm unhappy with my natural hair because it is taking soooo long to grow out. I should rephrase that. I love my natural hair but and its not really that its taking a long time to grow...my hair grows pretty fast but my ends just continue to break just as fast as my new growth comes in so it appears as if my hair is not growing. Its hard to take care of the ends of my hair because they are tightly curled. Every time I run a comb through them I tear some ends out.
I am thinking about hot pressing my hair straight because I don't want to put any chemical straighteners in my hair. I like having options to wear my hair curly and being able to switch from straight to curly without permanently switching to straight. Plus, my hair was chemical straightened up until about the age of 19 or so and I did not like the fact that I had to continuously put chemicals on the new growth each month. It was to much and it irritated my scalp. But I am not sure if pressing my hair straight is feasible because then I have to make sure it doesn't get wet or I have to be careful when its too humid or when I exercise and sweat, etc. Its too much of a hassle.
I am currently wearing it natural and for work I usually hold it back with a thin scarf and leave the hair out and wild but I hate the fact that I have to style it like this each day. If I don't wear the scarf it looks too wild and not professional for work. And to make things even worse, my hairline is very delicate and thin because when I wore braids I would pull it back into a tight ponytail.
I love the texture of my natural hair but to all of you out there with straight, wavy, or loose curls...nappy hair is very delicate. It may seem like people with tight curls...frizzy hair...nappy hair...have strong hair but it is very delicate and needs patience.
Today at work, a coworker commented that everytime he sees a black girl with long hair its almost always a weave and those without weaves have short hair. He said it with such a negative tone but I wish I could have taken that time to enlighten him of how difficult it is for a black woman to take care of her hair in such a busy hectic world when most people don't have enough time in a day for much of anything. Its not as simple as just running a comb through your hair. (And next time you see a black girl with long hair, don't assume its fake...there are many black woman with long hair like another coworker of mine).
I wonder if my struggles with my hair have added to my being so painfully shy? I remember school kids telling me I looked like a boy when I was a little girl after I had gotten my first haircut. It was embarrassing. I wonder if that left an emotional scar that I never really thought about on that level?
There is a black woman by the name of Cathy Howse that I am researching online because she seems to know a lot about black hair and growth, etc. I am thinking about starting a challenge of my own on another blog for black women to successfully grow there hair out long and give daily tips on the blog. Or I may just add that right here.
On another topic, my therapist, who was quite mean to me about missing my appt, contacted me and her last email was nice. She gave me advice on how to find a therapist, etc. She was actually responding to an email I sent her in which I explained to her my situation with missing appts and not calling but emailing her instead.
I'm still behind on school work. Will try to catch up tonight so let me get off my blog for now.
Until then...
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Paxil and Siddhartha
Last Monday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that I found on my health insurance website. I was about 15 minutes late for the appointment so the usual hour was shortened. It was my first appt. with the doctor and so he asked many questions to get to know me. Its hard to choose a therapist and a psychiatrist because you always worry if it will be a good match but I am satisfied. He shares the same first name as a character in one of my favorite books, Siddhartha. Now all I need is a therapist. I think I'll go back to listening to the Attacking Anxiety CD's that I told you all about a few months ago. I had stopped listening to them but now that I'm on Paxil and I am searching for a therapist (AGAIN!) I'll probably begin listening to the cd's and watching the dvds again.
My psychiatrist prescribed Paxil and Inderol. I think I might be allergic to the Inderol so I only took it the 1st 2 days and stopped. I have to contact him and make an appointment with my regular doctor to make sure its okay to continue. Before I took either medication I had 2 Benadryls on Monday because I'm having allergic reactions such as pressure in my sinus area. And I started the Paxil and Inderol on Wednesday. So I'm not sure if the allergic reaction is from the Benadryl, the Inderol, or just plain allergies from pollen, etc or a combination. I know its not the Paxil because I took because I've taken Paxil before about a few years ago and I had no adverse reactions to it. Needless to say...I am not feeling well right now.
I received a copy of Psychology Today in the mail and I think I want to subscribe to it.
Until then...
Motivation??
I have to find the motivation to do my school assignments. Its not so much the motivation, its that I have so much on my mind...i could barely concentrate on 1 thing. Every time I have my assignments before me, I start worrying about other things I have to do then I glowly gravitate towards organizing paperwork and such in my room then I start jotting down notes on my To Do lists. I have about 10 different lists. My brain is too tired to do my school work. I HAVE TO THOUGH. I am behind about 4 weeks...i think. Someone out there please motivate me...send some motivation my way!!
Friday, May 18, 2007
An Amazing Encounter
CHECK THIS OUT...A BULLETIN FROM MY MYSPACE FRIEND...THIS IS WHAT SHE HAD TO SHARE:
I had an amazing encounter with a random woman yesterday who gave me a whole new perspective on my panic disorder. i felt so impressed with this advice that I thought I should pass it on.
This is what she said: "In order to rid yourself of a panic disorder you have to acknowledge that your subconscious mind put it there for a reason, more than likely to keep you safe from something your conscious mind had no control over. So, what you need to do is make friends with it. Thank it for keeping you safe for whatever reason it was triggered in the first place. Use it as a mantra. Make it positive rather than a negative. Once you have accepted that this is your friend, not an enemy, tell it that your are grateful for whatever it was protecting you from(remember you may not be aware of what that is), but now you feel strong enough to carry on alone. If you do not feel strong enough to carry on without its protection, then leave it for another time, remembering all the while that this is your friend. It is not a disorder but a means of protection."
I would be interested to know if this may actually work. I have to say, I'm starting to feel better already and I haven't even asked it to leave me yet. I'd love to know what you think. -GWEN (her myspace page is http://www.myspace.com/gwkie )
I had an amazing encounter with a random woman yesterday who gave me a whole new perspective on my panic disorder. i felt so impressed with this advice that I thought I should pass it on.
This is what she said: "In order to rid yourself of a panic disorder you have to acknowledge that your subconscious mind put it there for a reason, more than likely to keep you safe from something your conscious mind had no control over. So, what you need to do is make friends with it. Thank it for keeping you safe for whatever reason it was triggered in the first place. Use it as a mantra. Make it positive rather than a negative. Once you have accepted that this is your friend, not an enemy, tell it that your are grateful for whatever it was protecting you from(remember you may not be aware of what that is), but now you feel strong enough to carry on alone. If you do not feel strong enough to carry on without its protection, then leave it for another time, remembering all the while that this is your friend. It is not a disorder but a means of protection."
I would be interested to know if this may actually work. I have to say, I'm starting to feel better already and I haven't even asked it to leave me yet. I'd love to know what you think. -GWEN (her myspace page is http://www.myspace.com/gwkie )
Monday, May 14, 2007
Therapy
I don't think my therapist understands anxiety much. I am searching for someone else. I missed a session due to panic and she was very hard on me. She did not acknowledge the anxiety aspect at all and told me that I should have done this and that (but I couldn't do what she suggested BECAUSE OF MY ANXIETIES.) I have to find a therapist who specializes in social anxiety and cognitive behavioral therapy. The worse part is I was paying out of pocket for the first 5 sessions and I am 400.00 in and I don't feel much different, and this includes payment for the missed session.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist today for possible medication. I read that Paxil is the best and PaxilCR is even better so I am going to suggest this to the doctor and see what he thinks. For those of you who are confused...a psychiatrist and a therapist (psychologist) are different. A therapist (psychologist) doesn't prescribe meds. I'm sure most of you knew that but when I began seeking therapy I didn't know.
I am trying to find an open mic venue that I feel comfortable enough in, to read my poetry. I also am looking around to buy a camcorder so I can start my vlog on youtube!!!
I am attending my graduation next month in Seattle and I am excited about that. I will have to complete the summer and fall quarters after graduation and will receive my official diploma in December 2007. I am a journalism major by the way.
I have much to share about my boyfriend and I, my plans after graduation, turning 30 in June, my magazine, my search for the perfect yet affordable apartment in NY and my possible plans to go to Europe this August.
Also, I am joining a gym this week and am seriously going to work out and maybe add some jogging to my plans to lose a few pounds. I am not fat but I could trim my stomach area and my thighs and Haitian booty. lol.
I am planning some other appts to tweak up my looks like a hair salon appt in june and getting laser hair removal, a pedicure, and other luxuries but on a tight budget. Don't know how I will fit this into my budget but I will certainly let you know. I have to look fab in my 30's. lol
More later...Until then...
(still trying to find an affordable acting class...if i can't find one for the summer I will sign up for a few dance classes at this amazing dance spot in the village)
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist today for possible medication. I read that Paxil is the best and PaxilCR is even better so I am going to suggest this to the doctor and see what he thinks. For those of you who are confused...a psychiatrist and a therapist (psychologist) are different. A therapist (psychologist) doesn't prescribe meds. I'm sure most of you knew that but when I began seeking therapy I didn't know.
I am trying to find an open mic venue that I feel comfortable enough in, to read my poetry. I also am looking around to buy a camcorder so I can start my vlog on youtube!!!
I am attending my graduation next month in Seattle and I am excited about that. I will have to complete the summer and fall quarters after graduation and will receive my official diploma in December 2007. I am a journalism major by the way.
I have much to share about my boyfriend and I, my plans after graduation, turning 30 in June, my magazine, my search for the perfect yet affordable apartment in NY and my possible plans to go to Europe this August.
Also, I am joining a gym this week and am seriously going to work out and maybe add some jogging to my plans to lose a few pounds. I am not fat but I could trim my stomach area and my thighs and Haitian booty. lol.
I am planning some other appts to tweak up my looks like a hair salon appt in june and getting laser hair removal, a pedicure, and other luxuries but on a tight budget. Don't know how I will fit this into my budget but I will certainly let you know. I have to look fab in my 30's. lol
More later...Until then...
(still trying to find an affordable acting class...if i can't find one for the summer I will sign up for a few dance classes at this amazing dance spot in the village)
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Resources and Comments!!
Leave me a comment and let me know your thoughts. I have posted some resources on my myspace page at www.myspace.com/diaryofashyblackwoman
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