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Monday, January 29, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
How to contact me...
TO ALL THE READERS WHO HAVE BEEN ASKING HOW TO CONTACT ME, EMAIL ME AT Painfullyshy@rock.com
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Oh, by the way...
I ended up going to work yesterday. I am so proud of myself. I contemplated calling out sick up until the very last minute and I made the decision to face my fear. It turns out that my anxieties probably made me exaggerate the situation that occurred the day before because yesterday my coworkers were normal and it was as if nothing happened. In fact the coworker that I felt was the coldest actually was sweet to me and asked me if I wanted anything from the store when she was going on a break. Could it have been me who exaggerated the entire thing in my mind? I am not sure how I could do that if I did. But I am glad I didn't avoid the entire situation.
That aside...I am now being trained to work on more involved and analytical aspects of the job. I hate the training because my boss asked another coworker of mine to let me sit with him so I could learn the new system. Yesterday, I was so nervous sitting there and it was getting late and I did not know how to tell him that I had to go. I ended up not saying a thing. I left at 5:40 and it was bad because I had asked my boyfriend to meet me after work at 5pm and he had been waiting for me the entire time. Its weird because I can't speak up even when I have a right to or even when I am being inconvenienced or I could have just said to him, "Hey, can you give me just a minute to call my boyfriend and let him know I'm going to be late." I could have said that but I just couldn't dare. I clammed up and couldn't say a word.
It's funny because I am soooo shy that I think I make people who are outgoing feel uncomfortable. That is how severe it is...that I actually make the most confident of people feel uncomfortable. I can tell. Its the weirdest thing. They don't know how to act around me...I could tell.
I am still waiting on a response from the 2 therapists that I left messages for a couple of days ago. I will keep you posted on that as well.
Oh, today on the train coming back from work, some guy with a caribbean accent kept staring at me while talking to 2 other men dressed in oversized clothes and tattered construction boots. Finally he pointed to an advertisement and told me that the woman's eyes in the photo resembled mine. I didn't really know what to say in response to that but I smiled and looked off to the other side of the subway car. I felt awkward. Just knowing that he was staring at me made me feel nervous. I wonder why I love acting so much if I get so nervous when people pay attention to me. I guess its because when acting technically I am not there at all. My character becomes my comfort zone...my hiding place yet I get to explore and connect my feelings with another character's experience.
That aside...I am now being trained to work on more involved and analytical aspects of the job. I hate the training because my boss asked another coworker of mine to let me sit with him so I could learn the new system. Yesterday, I was so nervous sitting there and it was getting late and I did not know how to tell him that I had to go. I ended up not saying a thing. I left at 5:40 and it was bad because I had asked my boyfriend to meet me after work at 5pm and he had been waiting for me the entire time. Its weird because I can't speak up even when I have a right to or even when I am being inconvenienced or I could have just said to him, "Hey, can you give me just a minute to call my boyfriend and let him know I'm going to be late." I could have said that but I just couldn't dare. I clammed up and couldn't say a word.
It's funny because I am soooo shy that I think I make people who are outgoing feel uncomfortable. That is how severe it is...that I actually make the most confident of people feel uncomfortable. I can tell. Its the weirdest thing. They don't know how to act around me...I could tell.
I am still waiting on a response from the 2 therapists that I left messages for a couple of days ago. I will keep you posted on that as well.
Oh, today on the train coming back from work, some guy with a caribbean accent kept staring at me while talking to 2 other men dressed in oversized clothes and tattered construction boots. Finally he pointed to an advertisement and told me that the woman's eyes in the photo resembled mine. I didn't really know what to say in response to that but I smiled and looked off to the other side of the subway car. I felt awkward. Just knowing that he was staring at me made me feel nervous. I wonder why I love acting so much if I get so nervous when people pay attention to me. I guess its because when acting technically I am not there at all. My character becomes my comfort zone...my hiding place yet I get to explore and connect my feelings with another character's experience.
The Acting Bug
So I have an opportunity to make up for that teleprompter and acting class that I did not attend back in Arizona. There is a 4 week acting class starting in February in Manhattan (not too far from my job) that meets once a week during the evenings for about 1-2 hours. It is perfect - schedulewise and pricewise so I have no excuse. I just have to do it!!
So in less than 2 weeks I will pay for the class and take that leap. I can't believe it. I am really going to do it this time. I know it is going to make me panic like crazy but I am going to do it no matter what. I hope I don't let myself down. I know I won't. I am making the decision right now. No matter how nervous I get that first night I am going to take myself into that class and just go with the flow. I have to keep telling myself, "what's the worst thing that could happen?" I'll think of the worst and visualize myself dealing with it or something.
Well when that day comes I will share all my experiences with you. For now, I am excited because I love acting. This is my opportunity to find out if I truly want to pursue this dream or not. Also, a few people have told me that acting classes can be therapeutic and if anything, it may help me on a more personal level.
So in less than 2 weeks I will pay for the class and take that leap. I can't believe it. I am really going to do it this time. I know it is going to make me panic like crazy but I am going to do it no matter what. I hope I don't let myself down. I know I won't. I am making the decision right now. No matter how nervous I get that first night I am going to take myself into that class and just go with the flow. I have to keep telling myself, "what's the worst thing that could happen?" I'll think of the worst and visualize myself dealing with it or something.
Well when that day comes I will share all my experiences with you. For now, I am excited because I love acting. This is my opportunity to find out if I truly want to pursue this dream or not. Also, a few people have told me that acting classes can be therapeutic and if anything, it may help me on a more personal level.
"Laura"
Today when I got home...as usual...there was tension between my mother and my niece and brother and I ended up getting mixed in it all just because I am there.
I got out of work at 5 maybe even 4:55 which is rare since I have been staying til 5:30ish all this week and some of last week. I thought this would allow me to get home earlier and take care of some things but as my luck would have it - I am just now getting situated and it is almost 9pm.
I felt a bit of joy today, when a friend (well we are more like business partners), called me. I was ecstatic 'cause I have tried off and on for the past 3 or more months to contact her but I could not reach her because she changed her phone number and email that I had saved to an old email account in which I no longer have access. Long story, short - she called me and we caught up a bit and I will call her this weekend. She has huge dreams and she is such a motivational factor in my life. I met her about 3 years ago when I responded to an job ad that she placed on Craigslist for a grantwriter. Ever since then we have been sharing our goals for our business projects. I am not sure if I mentioned this before but I am trying to launch a magazine. I have been working on it for about 3 years but solely online. I hope to launch a print edition before my birthday or around my birthday. Its hard because I have to set up interviews for articles etc. and network with people and it has been a bit difficult for me. I have not really done any of that yet but I have made some calls and started a dialogue with some interview prospects. It should not be that difficult because the basis of an interview is to focus on the other person so I don't feel as anxious as I normally would about other things.
So now that my friend - I'll call her Laura for the sake of not putting her name out there but its pretty close to her real name -now that she has contacted me, I feel I have the support I need to get that 1st print premiere issue done. I don't have enough funds so I am also contemplating a fundraiser in March. I don't know how I am going to pull that off but I am going to let that thought linger loosely in my head right now so I don't get overwhelmed.
The first thing I must purchase is a laptop. This will help me get organized and get work done during my lunch breaks, etc. So I plan on getting one by next month. So as far as getting focused on my business ventures...my 1st plan of action is a laptop. From then I can hash out the rest.
I got out of work at 5 maybe even 4:55 which is rare since I have been staying til 5:30ish all this week and some of last week. I thought this would allow me to get home earlier and take care of some things but as my luck would have it - I am just now getting situated and it is almost 9pm.
I felt a bit of joy today, when a friend (well we are more like business partners), called me. I was ecstatic 'cause I have tried off and on for the past 3 or more months to contact her but I could not reach her because she changed her phone number and email that I had saved to an old email account in which I no longer have access. Long story, short - she called me and we caught up a bit and I will call her this weekend. She has huge dreams and she is such a motivational factor in my life. I met her about 3 years ago when I responded to an job ad that she placed on Craigslist for a grantwriter. Ever since then we have been sharing our goals for our business projects. I am not sure if I mentioned this before but I am trying to launch a magazine. I have been working on it for about 3 years but solely online. I hope to launch a print edition before my birthday or around my birthday. Its hard because I have to set up interviews for articles etc. and network with people and it has been a bit difficult for me. I have not really done any of that yet but I have made some calls and started a dialogue with some interview prospects. It should not be that difficult because the basis of an interview is to focus on the other person so I don't feel as anxious as I normally would about other things.
So now that my friend - I'll call her Laura for the sake of not putting her name out there but its pretty close to her real name -now that she has contacted me, I feel I have the support I need to get that 1st print premiere issue done. I don't have enough funds so I am also contemplating a fundraiser in March. I don't know how I am going to pull that off but I am going to let that thought linger loosely in my head right now so I don't get overwhelmed.
The first thing I must purchase is a laptop. This will help me get organized and get work done during my lunch breaks, etc. So I plan on getting one by next month. So as far as getting focused on my business ventures...my 1st plan of action is a laptop. From then I can hash out the rest.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Easily defeated
I made an error at work today while scanning some documents. I failed to adjust the scanner correctly and all the documents had to be rescanned. For some reason, when I found out I felt like such a loser. I knew the images had not scanned perfectly but I had hoped it would not be a big deal and it turned out to be a big deal. One of my coworkers just seemed to act cold towards me after that and I felt like a 3 year old. I felt sooo low. I don't get it. My logical mind tells me to get over it but I can't. The incident ruined my entire mood and I even contemplated looking for another job in hopes of leaving this job immediately. I just feel horrible.
I don't want to give others a reason to talk bad about me or to focus on me in any way. I feel this will be an excuse for others to gossip about me and talk about how 'weird' I may appear to them. I don't know. It sucks because had I not been so shy, I would have rescanned those documents before any of this happened but I stopped myself because I did not want to go to the back office where 3+ of my coworkers were working. I wanted to stay in my comfort zone...alone at my desk. It was hard enough walking back there the initial time to scan and I couldn't do it again. Not if I had no choice and so I made excuses why it was not a big deal. I hate when I do this. This could have cost me my job if my boss was that type of person. I could have lost my job just because I was too shy to rescan some documents. How ridiculous does that sound?! This is why I am glad I have this blog. I could never explain this to anyone I know and not have them think I was wacko. Maybe you who is reading this blog thinks I am crazy. I am not. I am just scared...scared of people. I don't know why it is so severe.
My boss asked me how my New Year's Day went and I felt myself clamming up and blushing and I could not stop smiling like a little girl. I hate when I am in such situations not because I hate the situation but because I just can't get over my fears. I act like this with everyone...even my own mother, my siblings, etc. I literally have to be almost locked up in a room with someone for about a year before I start to feel comfortable around them. This is not god for my career goals. In order for me to be a successful journalist, a successful actor, a successful businesswoman, a successful Almost Anything, I must be assertive. I have a lot of work to do. It is close to 3am and I have to be up at 7. I am dreading going to work tomorrow. In the back of my mind, I am thinking about calling out sick but if I do it will only make it harder for me to go back to work on Thursday and being that I had Monday off for the holidays, I would only get paid for 3 days and that would suck.
I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I sometimes think about running away and moving to another country like somewhere in Africa or Europe and starting a new life. I imagine I would fit in immediately and my anxieties would melt away instantly but my logical mind knows that is not the case. Yet, I still want to go far away. I have already started to look through brochures for summer courses in Spain and France. It's just an idea I am playing with at the moment and it makes me feel good to think about it.
When I look back at my life, so far, I recognize one common thread that ties all my pain, regrets, and mistakes together...my inability to say NO. My inability to put my foot down and make concrete decisions about what I want...about what is best for ME...and to this day it is a struggle. It is worse now because I have fallen into a pattern of behavior that has rendered me ignorant of my true desires. I don't think I even know what I want anymore. Its blurred by years of not tending to that part of me. I have always went along with what others suggested when put on the spot simply because I felt inferior. Like I had to do what was asked of me because I wasn't worthy. I felt guilty if I attempted to get my way even if my heart knew it was the best thing for me. And I have been this way for over 20 years. I don't know me at all.
I am sorry if I am rambling right now. If I sound incoherent, please forgive me. I have a lot on my mind and not enough space, in all sense of the word, to lay it out. I'm trying to pinpoint the exact emotion I am feeling right now. I am not angry enought to recognize it. I am not entirely sad. I m worried for sure. I am nervous and confused about my place in this world. I am ...? Don't know.
Until then...
I don't want to give others a reason to talk bad about me or to focus on me in any way. I feel this will be an excuse for others to gossip about me and talk about how 'weird' I may appear to them. I don't know. It sucks because had I not been so shy, I would have rescanned those documents before any of this happened but I stopped myself because I did not want to go to the back office where 3+ of my coworkers were working. I wanted to stay in my comfort zone...alone at my desk. It was hard enough walking back there the initial time to scan and I couldn't do it again. Not if I had no choice and so I made excuses why it was not a big deal. I hate when I do this. This could have cost me my job if my boss was that type of person. I could have lost my job just because I was too shy to rescan some documents. How ridiculous does that sound?! This is why I am glad I have this blog. I could never explain this to anyone I know and not have them think I was wacko. Maybe you who is reading this blog thinks I am crazy. I am not. I am just scared...scared of people. I don't know why it is so severe.
My boss asked me how my New Year's Day went and I felt myself clamming up and blushing and I could not stop smiling like a little girl. I hate when I am in such situations not because I hate the situation but because I just can't get over my fears. I act like this with everyone...even my own mother, my siblings, etc. I literally have to be almost locked up in a room with someone for about a year before I start to feel comfortable around them. This is not god for my career goals. In order for me to be a successful journalist, a successful actor, a successful businesswoman, a successful Almost Anything, I must be assertive. I have a lot of work to do. It is close to 3am and I have to be up at 7. I am dreading going to work tomorrow. In the back of my mind, I am thinking about calling out sick but if I do it will only make it harder for me to go back to work on Thursday and being that I had Monday off for the holidays, I would only get paid for 3 days and that would suck.
I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I sometimes think about running away and moving to another country like somewhere in Africa or Europe and starting a new life. I imagine I would fit in immediately and my anxieties would melt away instantly but my logical mind knows that is not the case. Yet, I still want to go far away. I have already started to look through brochures for summer courses in Spain and France. It's just an idea I am playing with at the moment and it makes me feel good to think about it.
When I look back at my life, so far, I recognize one common thread that ties all my pain, regrets, and mistakes together...my inability to say NO. My inability to put my foot down and make concrete decisions about what I want...about what is best for ME...and to this day it is a struggle. It is worse now because I have fallen into a pattern of behavior that has rendered me ignorant of my true desires. I don't think I even know what I want anymore. Its blurred by years of not tending to that part of me. I have always went along with what others suggested when put on the spot simply because I felt inferior. Like I had to do what was asked of me because I wasn't worthy. I felt guilty if I attempted to get my way even if my heart knew it was the best thing for me. And I have been this way for over 20 years. I don't know me at all.
I am sorry if I am rambling right now. If I sound incoherent, please forgive me. I have a lot on my mind and not enough space, in all sense of the word, to lay it out. I'm trying to pinpoint the exact emotion I am feeling right now. I am not angry enought to recognize it. I am not entirely sad. I m worried for sure. I am nervous and confused about my place in this world. I am ...? Don't know.
Until then...
New Look...
I changed the design of the blog for the new year! Hope you like the new look. I'm next!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
2007
New Year's Weekend was great. I spent the time with my boyfriend and my family. On New Year's Eve, I rushed to my apartment (really my mom's apartment) with my boyfriend and we made it just in time at 11:59pm. Unbelievable. I made it on time. My mother was praying when we walked in and I startled her 'cause she didn't hear the door. It was a great weekend. I spent the 1st part of the weekend at my boyfriend's place and the 2nd at mine. My niece actually went to church with her boyfriend and new baby girl. I was shocked to hear that she went to church...I guess everyone is evolving.
I must admit...the start of the new year had me optimistic about new beginnings and all but my joyfulness is already wearing away. I need help. I called 2 clinics today and left messages in hopes of getting treatment for social anxiety. I need help.
Happy New Year.
Until then...
I must admit...the start of the new year had me optimistic about new beginnings and all but my joyfulness is already wearing away. I need help. I called 2 clinics today and left messages in hopes of getting treatment for social anxiety. I need help.
Happy New Year.
Until then...
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