how did it come to this? each day feels like im falling deeper into a hole. i have debts and even as i pay them it seems there is no end. now i have to start paying my school loans off soon and i could barely make ends meet now. im trying to buy a condo but my credit score seems to plummet even as i make my payments. so im reduced to writing letter after letter to the creditors and credit agencies to figure this mess out.
i wanted to be an actor. why am i accounts receivable? i wanted to be a writer. i wanted to launch my magazine but i can barely make time for myself let alone my career goals and entrepreneurial aspirations.
im 30...i know what i want...i just don't know how to get it. or maybe i do but i guess it all comes back to my anxiety. im afraid to step out on the edge. i want to be safe.
when i was a kid i always felt ridiculed by my peers in some way...i was awkward...so now im afraid to put myself in a position to be mocked...to put myself out there...make myself vulnerable...im afraid of what others will say...but at the same time i don't care.
should i try to find a therapist again? im over it...i don't want to go through therapy anymore. i could use that time it takes to travel to my appointments, sit through my appointments, and travel back home towards my dreams. i could use that time. im tired of giving away my time to others, others meaning my job (which i hate), paperwork (which i hate), and other things.
i have to figure out a plan to strengthen my willpower because it is one of my weakest characteristics. i need willpower to stick to my guns...stick to my word...if i say i want to lose weight then i should just do it...if i want to launch my mag...just do it...if i want to act...just do it...regardless of my fears. but how?
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