DIARY OF A SHY BLACK WOMAN: I WANT TO MOVE TO LOS ANGELES AND START MY LIFE OVER

Monday, September 10, 2007

I WANT TO MOVE TO LOS ANGELES AND START MY LIFE OVER

I don't think its going to work out with me and my boyfriend. This is what just took place.

BF: WHAT'S WRONG

ME: I'M NOT SURE WHATS WRONG, I JUST NEED TIME TO THINK IN MY OWN HEAD

BF: IM NOT STUPID, I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG

ME: I JUST SAID I WASN'T SURE AND I NEED TIME TO THINK IT OVER IN MY HEAD

BF: IS IT SOMETHING I DID

ME: NO, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, I JUST NEED TO BE IN MY OWN THOUGHTS. I'M FINE. ITS NOT A BIG DEAL.

BF: WHAT'S WRONG

ME: NOTHING IS WRONG

BF: COME ON IS IT ME. I WANT TO BE SURE. IS IT YOUR NIECE. I COULD TELL SOMETHING IS WRONG

ME: I JUST TOLD YOU THAT IM NOT SURE WHAT IM FEELING. I JUST WANT TO THINK IN MY OWN HEAD. ITS NOT YOU. I'M OKAY.

BF: THIS IS NOT FAIR

ME: WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU. I JUST TOLD YOU ITS NOT YOU. SOMETIMES ITS BEST FOR PEOPLE TO NOT TALK AND JUST THINK

BF: THIS IS NOT FAIR. YOU'RE NOT A SINGLE PERSON. YOU SHOULD TELL ME EVERYTHING. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

ME: THIS IS CRAZY NOW IM REALLY CONFUSED. NOW IM FEELING MORE ANXIOUS

BF: THIS ISN'T FAIR AT ALL. I DON'T HAVE ANXIETY. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO READ YOUR MIND.

ME: WE'VE HAD THIS SAME ARGUMENT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE AND EACH TIME YOU APOLOGIZE AND EACH TIME YOU SAY YOU UNDERSTAND ANXIETY

BF: FINE (HE WALKS OUT)

This is what I deal with EVERY DAY. WHAT SHOULD I DO? HELP ME. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR JUST ABOUT 4 YEARS. AM I SMART TO STAY WITH HIM OR IS IT HURTING MY DEVELOPMENT MORE?

HELP!!!

IM ON THE LINE WITH AMTRAK. I WANT TO BUY A ONE WAY TICKET TO L.A. AND LEAVE THIS FRIDAY.

HELP.

1 comments:

stillshy36Sep 28, 2007 10:25 PM
Hi, just wanted to tell you that I am shy and am married to someone who is not shy and doesn't understand me. I also wonder if I would be better off by myself. Just being around my husband makes me shy because I know he is use to me being that way. But when I am at home by myself I am happy and I count the hours until he will be home and when he gets home I start feeling depressed because I know my time is up. It's not that I don't love him, I just feel that I would be better off living alone.

We broke up one time and believe it or not I was starting to be more outgoing and didn't feel as shy. I think that is what made me take him back, because I thought I was finally coming out of my shell and able to be myself, but as soon as we got back together and he started complaining about certain things I did and didn't do I went right back to being shy. And I think I am worse than before. There is a lot more to our relationship that I don't have the time to get into.
What I wanted to say is that in my personal oppinion, I really think shy people should live alone. The more I think about it it makes sense. You would think it would be a bad idea, but I think we need that time to unwind and be able to be ourselves after working all day and having to deal with people and cituations that make us nervous and stressed feeling. If you do have a boyfriend he should be shy also. It will never work with someone who is not shy. I am experiencing it right now and it's not fun.

I often dream about moving to another state and starting my life over but I can't do that because of financial reasons and I have 2 teenaged children to take care of. Plus I think I would still be shy anywhere I go. I have been shy on jobs and thought if I get another job and start over I wouldn't be so shy around the people but I always end up being shy around some of them not all but a certain few for some reason make me real shy and It is hard for me to talk to them. I feel really weird at times and try to just except myself for who I am. I will always be shy but I would like to learn to deal with it better.

I have been keeping up with your blog and I went to your talk radio blog but you were not logged on or something. I really like your blog page and will check it regularly for updates and I hope you luck in getting over your shyness because I haven't had any.
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