I ended up going to work yesterday. I am so proud of myself. I contemplated calling out sick up until the very last minute and I made the decision to face my fear. It turns out that my anxieties probably made me exaggerate the situation that occurred the day before because yesterday my coworkers were normal and it was as if nothing happened. In fact the coworker that I felt was the coldest actually was sweet to me and asked me if I wanted anything from the store when she was going on a break. Could it have been me who exaggerated the entire thing in my mind? I am not sure how I could do that if I did. But I am glad I didn't avoid the entire situation.
That aside...I am now being trained to work on more involved and analytical aspects of the job. I hate the training because my boss asked another coworker of mine to let me sit with him so I could learn the new system. Yesterday, I was so nervous sitting there and it was getting late and I did not know how to tell him that I had to go. I ended up not saying a thing. I left at 5:40 and it was bad because I had asked my boyfriend to meet me after work at 5pm and he had been waiting for me the entire time. Its weird because I can't speak up even when I have a right to or even when I am being inconvenienced or I could have just said to him, "Hey, can you give me just a minute to call my boyfriend and let him know I'm going to be late." I could have said that but I just couldn't dare. I clammed up and couldn't say a word.
It's funny because I am soooo shy that I think I make people who are outgoing feel uncomfortable. That is how severe it is...that I actually make the most confident of people feel uncomfortable. I can tell. Its the weirdest thing. They don't know how to act around me...I could tell.
I am still waiting on a response from the 2 therapists that I left messages for a couple of days ago. I will keep you posted on that as well.
Oh, today on the train coming back from work, some guy with a caribbean accent kept staring at me while talking to 2 other men dressed in oversized clothes and tattered construction boots. Finally he pointed to an advertisement and told me that the woman's eyes in the photo resembled mine. I didn't really know what to say in response to that but I smiled and looked off to the other side of the subway car. I felt awkward. Just knowing that he was staring at me made me feel nervous. I wonder why I love acting so much if I get so nervous when people pay attention to me. I guess its because when acting technically I am not there at all. My character becomes my comfort zone...my hiding place yet I get to explore and connect my feelings with another character's experience.
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