I made an error at work today while scanning some documents. I failed to adjust the scanner correctly and all the documents had to be rescanned. For some reason, when I found out I felt like such a loser. I knew the images had not scanned perfectly but I had hoped it would not be a big deal and it turned out to be a big deal. One of my coworkers just seemed to act cold towards me after that and I felt like a 3 year old. I felt sooo low. I don't get it. My logical mind tells me to get over it but I can't. The incident ruined my entire mood and I even contemplated looking for another job in hopes of leaving this job immediately. I just feel horrible.
I don't want to give others a reason to talk bad about me or to focus on me in any way. I feel this will be an excuse for others to gossip about me and talk about how 'weird' I may appear to them. I don't know. It sucks because had I not been so shy, I would have rescanned those documents before any of this happened but I stopped myself because I did not want to go to the back office where 3+ of my coworkers were working. I wanted to stay in my comfort zone...alone at my desk. It was hard enough walking back there the initial time to scan and I couldn't do it again. Not if I had no choice and so I made excuses why it was not a big deal. I hate when I do this. This could have cost me my job if my boss was that type of person. I could have lost my job just because I was too shy to rescan some documents. How ridiculous does that sound?! This is why I am glad I have this blog. I could never explain this to anyone I know and not have them think I was wacko. Maybe you who is reading this blog thinks I am crazy. I am not. I am just scared...scared of people. I don't know why it is so severe.
My boss asked me how my New Year's Day went and I felt myself clamming up and blushing and I could not stop smiling like a little girl. I hate when I am in such situations not because I hate the situation but because I just can't get over my fears. I act like this with everyone...even my own mother, my siblings, etc. I literally have to be almost locked up in a room with someone for about a year before I start to feel comfortable around them. This is not god for my career goals. In order for me to be a successful journalist, a successful actor, a successful businesswoman, a successful Almost Anything, I must be assertive. I have a lot of work to do. It is close to 3am and I have to be up at 7. I am dreading going to work tomorrow. In the back of my mind, I am thinking about calling out sick but if I do it will only make it harder for me to go back to work on Thursday and being that I had Monday off for the holidays, I would only get paid for 3 days and that would suck.
I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I sometimes think about running away and moving to another country like somewhere in Africa or Europe and starting a new life. I imagine I would fit in immediately and my anxieties would melt away instantly but my logical mind knows that is not the case. Yet, I still want to go far away. I have already started to look through brochures for summer courses in Spain and France. It's just an idea I am playing with at the moment and it makes me feel good to think about it.
When I look back at my life, so far, I recognize one common thread that ties all my pain, regrets, and mistakes together...my inability to say NO. My inability to put my foot down and make concrete decisions about what I want...about what is best for ME...and to this day it is a struggle. It is worse now because I have fallen into a pattern of behavior that has rendered me ignorant of my true desires. I don't think I even know what I want anymore. Its blurred by years of not tending to that part of me. I have always went along with what others suggested when put on the spot simply because I felt inferior. Like I had to do what was asked of me because I wasn't worthy. I felt guilty if I attempted to get my way even if my heart knew it was the best thing for me. And I have been this way for over 20 years. I don't know me at all.
I am sorry if I am rambling right now. If I sound incoherent, please forgive me. I have a lot on my mind and not enough space, in all sense of the word, to lay it out. I'm trying to pinpoint the exact emotion I am feeling right now. I am not angry enought to recognize it. I am not entirely sad. I m worried for sure. I am nervous and confused about my place in this world. I am ...? Don't know.
Until then...
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