MERRY CHRISTMAS...HAPPY HANUKKAH...KWANZAA...!!!

I hope you all enjoyed the holidays...its not over yet! A new year awaits and I can't wait. 2007 symbolizes a whole new decade in my life and I am out with the old and in with the new!

I am still looking for a therapist but I am making plans to step out of my comfort zone. I have decided that I will sign up for the 'Open Mike Poetry Night' at my favorite poetry venue. I plan to perform my favorite poem in May, a month before my birthday. I will bring my camcorder along (which I have yet to buy) and record myself so that I can play it back and see my weaknesses and how they appear to others. Just thinking about performing in front of people months from now is already making those butterfly feelings take over my body. I have wanted to perform my poetry for years and I don't want to wait too long. I think I will also work on a new poem, maybe this time I will write about anxiety. I think that would be a good idea. And then I could probably perform that one instead if it is good enough and this would help people understand. We'll see.

Christmas was great this year! I haven't enjoyed many Christmas's since around the age of 15 or so. They never measured up to the Christmas's from my childhood but this year I was able to get presents for most of my family and my boyfriend, too. I did not get many presents but I just felt so happy this year. Can't really explain it. I guess I feel a change coming. My boyfriend bought me the 20th Anniversary Oprah DVD Collection and it is sooooo inspiring. I love it. He also bought me a framed poster of Beyonce and Jay-Z. I am a huge Destiny's Child fan and so it was the perfect gift. My mom bought me a beautiful little purse that came with a small eye makeup kit w/ blush as well. The purse is elegant and I plan on carrying it if I go out for New Year's.

I did something out of the norm on Christmas Day. I had planned it weeks before...its probably not going to be a big deal to most of you reading this but for me it was huge. I invited my brother, my niece, and my boyfriend to accompany me to see Dreamgirls, the movie. I am usually too shy to do such things. I avoid being the one who does the asking and planning, etc.

My brother ended up not going because he was with his significant other but I treated my niece and boyfriend. At the last minute it seemed like things would not go as planned. My brother told me AFTER I purchased the tickets that he would not make it and I was a little frustrated because I did not know if I would get a refund plus I was a little angry that he waited until then to tell me he wasn't going but I called him and told him it was okay. Then my my niece needed a babysitter for her little baby girl so we had to wait for my mother to arrive on time to watch her. I had planned on leaving by 3:45P to get the best seats because it was opening day and I knew that we would get horrible seats if we did not arrive at least half an hour early. I waited until 4:07P and my mom still had not arrived so I told my niece I had to leave and I would save her seat.

I got there at about 4:50p and the theater was packed. I called my boyfriend and he was not answering so I figured he was on the train. I became overwhelmed and my heart began to palpitate and I started feeling stressed out and angry. I had planned to see this movie for weeks and it was not going the way I had hoped. I tried to get my refund but the line was sooo long that I figured I should just go inside and save the seats. When I got upstairs there was a longer line of what seemed like hundreds of people with tickets in hand waiting to get in and I was directed to the back of the line. I grew more frustrated as I watched all the people before me go inside.

When I finally made my way to the usher, he looked at my ticket and I walked in with a crowd and I could see the usher telling the lady behind me to wait until the next group was let in. When I walked in I looked around and all the seats were filled with people and empty ones had coats and handbags on them. The 3 front rows were pretty much empty so I sat in the 3rd row and put my coat on 1 seat and my handbag on the other while I waited for my guests to arrive. I felt a little more relieved even the screen was sooo close. After a few minutes my eyes adjusted to the view and after getting a hold of my niece and boyfriend on the phone they both made it just in time after the previews and the movie was a Dream!! I loved it.

I ended up having a great time!

Until then!

INSOMNIAC

It is after midnight and I have to be up by 7am. I can't sleep...too much on my mind. I will keep this brief. I want to thank all of you for responding to my blogs. I honestly feel this is the best thing I could have done for myself. I am having so much trouble finding a therapist and you all have given me enough feedback to sustain me until I do. I can't describe how grateful I am that there are people out there who are willing to share my story and help out and be a part of this with me.

I am slowly getting more responsibilities given to me at work. Its good because it makes the day go by faster however, it is bad because I have people coming up to me more asking me to do certain things or just talking to me more in general. On Monday, my supervisor told me to attend a meeting with him as he walked by my desk. I was completely unprepared and was given no prior notice so I felt nervous yet did not have anytime to process what was happening. The meeting was very uncomfortable for me. I did not know what to do with myself and where to look while the meeting went on. Everyone was so involved and as a temp, I naturally felt out of place. A couple of times, I was asked a question or two and I answered with the shortest response possible. The meeting lasted for over an hour. I ended up never taking my hour lunch break because of it and did not bring it to anyone's attention.

I am glad that it took me just a month to find a job after my relocation to NY but I am not too sure I can deal with this job for long. I wish I could land my dream job but I am not sure what that would be. I guess the closest thing to a dream "corporate" job for me would be working as an editorial associate or the like for a major magazine company. There is a publishing house directly across the street from my current job and I plan to go there one of these days during my lunch break and hand in my resume and cover letter. And there is another publishing company a few blocks away from where I work, too. I know, for sure, if I was outgoing, I would have landed such a position years ago.

My boyfriend told me that I should sign up for a dance class for the new year. He says he is willing to attend with me. I might take him up on that offer. I already have an idea of which dance school I would like to attend. I think I'd rather take a dance class 1st, and later on, an acting class. Also, I want to perform one of my poems at my favorite poetry spot during open mic night before my birthday. I have been putting this off since me and a friend made a bet to perform in 2001 but I guess we both chickened out. Five years later and this is still something I want to do. I have so many poems but I have the perfect one for that moment...it's called, "In the Museum of Me." I have rehearsed over and over in my brain and visualized myself on stage performing this exact poem and I hope to do so oneday soon.

I had planned on keeping this entry brief but I have a lot to share. I am going to sleep now but I will be back soon to tell you more about how I am getting ready to step out of my comfort zone in hopes of tackling this horrible social anxiety of mine. Tonight I am going to pop in a CD on time management.

Are there any books you can recommend to me. I am going to the bookstore this weekend and need a book that will help propel me to the next level!! Any recommendations? Or movies? Are there any movies about a character with social anxiety? I'd love to find one and watch.

Until then!

Holiday Office Party

I was invited to the holiday office party that my job holds each year. Since I am new and I am temp to perm (in less than 2 months I will be perm!) I was not sure if I would be invited but I was. I have been nervous about attending ever since. But the pary was on Thursday night. I attended with my boyfriend and it was not as nerve racking as I had imagined. The party was held at a beautiful bar/lounge/restaurant in the upper eastside of Manhattan. I arrived promptly at 6PM. It was open bar the entire night then we had dinner. One of my coworkers invited me and my boyfriend to sit at her table with the others from our department. I was relieved because I did not want to intrude on anyone. My boyfriend is quite social and very comedic so he kept everyone at the table laughing and I had a great time. I was still very nervous the entire time and had my guard up but not so much that I couldn't appreciate the moment. I got to know more about my coworkers and they learned a little about me. At one point someone asked me my age and I was embarrassed to divulge, NOT BECAUSE I AM EMBARRASSED ABOUT MY AGE, but because I feel I am not where I should be, careerwise, and I didn't want anyone judging me. My coworkers are in higher positions than me and they are 23, 24, and 26. (Those are the 3 ladies from my department.) There is another new lady who did not want to share her age too. She said she will share that info when her birthday comes around and that we will all be surprised. Eventually after they kept asking me my age, I just told them and they were shocked. They told me I look younger and my skin looks flawless. Most people guessed that I was around 22 or 23. I am glad to be 29. My 20's were filled with a series of negative experiences with a few good ones in between and I am glad it is almost over. I just want to be the woman I have always dreamed of being when I am in my 30's.

Until then!

My Pursuit of Happiness

Well let me shorten the emergency room story up a bit. Basically, I went in to see the doctor. He seemed uncaring and uninformed about anxiety and he kept speaking extremely slow to me. I was confused. I explained my symptoms and history and asked him for a prescription for PaxilCR (I read that it is specifically targeted for anxiety rather than depression.) He told me he could not do that and he would schedule me for an appointment for the following week to see a therapist. There was another man in the room. I am not sure what his title was. You think they would let you know but they didn't. He might have been an intern or something. As I spoke, I noticed the doctor kept looking at my hand movements. I tend to move my hands around alot when I talk because I get so nervous and I try to distract the person from looking at me by moving my hands, I guess. I am not really sure why I do it. Its a reflex when I get nervous and I am being asked many questions or if I am talking and I am the center of attention. I have to pay attention to that more because now that I am trying to explain the reasoning behind it, I am not too sure why I do this at all. I just know when I get nervous, my hand moves a lot when I talk.

I left the hospital that night feeling like nothing had been accomplished. Since then I went to the appointment that was scheduled for me that night. It fell on a Monday so I told my boss I had a doctor's appointment. I was nervous he would ask me to bring in a letter but he did not. I don't want anyone at my job to know about my anxieties. Its bad enought that I am a mute at work but I rather them not know. It feels weird after I tell somebody. They treat me different and I don't want to be babied. The appointment was a dissapointment and left me discouraged. My appointment was for 9am. I arrived at 8:50am and was directed to a small waiting area filled with people. I sat there until about 10:00am. I walked into the psychologist's office and sat before her. The man that walked me into the office also came in and sat with the psychologist. They both stared at me and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I have been having a lot of panic attacks lately and I feel like my anxieties are getting worse..." And as I tried to explain some more, I was abruptly cut off and told that this was just a prescreening and to go back to the waiting room.

Again at about 10:45am I was called back in to see the psychologist who was the same plump African American woman who had prescreened me earlier. This time it was just the 2 of us and it was a different office. I could tell it was hers by the decorum. As I was walking into the office another patient was trying to get in and she asked me to step out briefly while she spoke to him. Finally, I was in and the patient came by the door again but this time she told him to wait because she was busy.

She basically ended up referring me to a list of places. She told me to call around, etc. I asked her if I could at least get a prescription and she said no. I tried to explain my anxieties to her but the problem is that I was anxious while I was trying to explain so I kept stuttering and at one point I had to hold back tears because I felt like just giving up. As I explained to her she seemed to not really take it all too serious. She gave me a bit of advice, though. She told me that I should stop labeling myself as shy. But the label did not come out of thin air.

So here I am. Its been about 2-3 weeks since all of this and I am still looking for a therapist. I have been listening to my Attacking Anxiety Cds nearly every night. And if it were not for the cd's I would be seriously depressed right now. I am not going to lose hope. I have less than 6 months before I turn 30. DO YOU THINK I WILL MAKE IT? PLEASE BE HONEST. I hope I do. I seriously have to step into my 30's as a new and improved version of myself or I will be devastated.

Last night after work, I went to the movies with my boyfriend to see The Pursuit of Happyness (that is the way they spelled happiness, when you see the movie, you'll know why). The movie further strenghthened my will to not give up on myself. The movie is based on a real story and it stars, Will Smith and his son, Jaden Smith. I can't stop thinking about how this man overcame all the odds in his life despite the severity of his situation and became a success story. You have to see this movie.

Until then!

(P.S. I think I am going to treat myself to a camcorder for Christmas and start making some video blogs to share with you all soon. I have to step up my game plan. I think by filming myself, it will help me come out of my shell a bit faster. I am not sure what my logic is behind this new theory of mine, but we shall see.)

The emergency room...continued...

What happened next at the emergency room grew worse each minute. I sat waiting for them to call my name while a teenager was being frisked by a security officer to make sure she did not have any weapons, etc. on her. They told her she was staying overnight and she could not have her cell phone on her either. The teenager looked angry and concerned yet not scared. I was petrified because I did not want to stay overnight and did not know if they would be keeping me. I was confused and my anxiety level was climbing severely. I just needed some advice from a professional who was skilled with anxiety disorders. It seemed like the staff was oblivious to anxiety disorders and could care less. Finally, it was my turn. I was frisked and had to take off my socks and shoes so they can check and make sure I was safe to enter. My boyfriend was not allowed in with me. We both were under the impression that they would have let him accompany me inside.

While inside the room, I saw the teenager sitting and there were about 3-4 others in the area with me including a security officer. I sat waiting for the doctor to call me into his office. While waiting, a dirty looking overweight man kept talking loud in spanglish about a fight he got into with a Latin gang. The man said they were Dominicans and minutes later the same man kept staring at me and calling me "preciosa" and "bonita" and other terms in spanish. Later on he asked me if I was Dominican. I said I was not and he kept talking to me and getting closer to me and soon he shook my hands. I tried to pretend I was not paying attention to him after that so as to not encourage him to spark more conversation. My boyfriend told me later on that he could see that this man was getting too close and he was nervous for me so he tried to get the security officer to do something but the security guard told him everything was fine. What type of security is that!! The man could have tried to hurt me in the spur of the moment.

I will continue this update soon...