Reader:
Social Anxiety, yes I think I was born with it, I can't remember ever being able to look some one in the eye, and actually listen to them without thinking what will I say, when it is my turn. That is why I interrupt all the time, and I am not a good listener, that has been getting worse. I am really working on that, I want to be more social, but people make me nurvious.I grew up shy, and as you can probably tell dislexic in a day when no one understood that problem. My calss mates thought I was stuck up, so they pretty much left me alone. Yes painfully shy, I can understand that feeling verry well. I once took a personality test, "Myers Brigs" I am 1 in 100. an interavert pretending to be an extravert. a born actor I think us painfully shy people are proboably all very good actores just living in this culture, acting like we fit in, it is exhosting!30 is not old. certainly not to old. Look at the actores on TV, and in the movies, they are not all beutiful people, or exceptionally briliant. But they are all confident, and they don't take being turned down personally, these are trates, we need just to enjoy every day life. Your dream is not out of reach, just be patient, keep working on those anxziety problems, you can't make it in that busingess and take offence from any one. Remember what Lucinda says be less affected, and more effective. You have to know who you are. I can see from your webpage you are a good writer, that in it self is a start. have you taken any acting classes, dance, or tryed out for a local theater groope. I have leaned you need to do something, while you are waiting for you big brake, you need to be preparing, to step out when the time comes.Keep Looking up
DiaryOfaShyBlackWoman:
Thank you so much. I really felt your words as I read them. I feel more motivated. We have much in common. Many people think I am stuck up when I am just extremely anxious and then I get a bad vibe from them and it makes it that much harder for me to open up.
I want to take an acting class. I already shopped around for some and the only thing that is stopping me is that I am scared. I already have the money and everything to get started. I have acted in a student film before (it was only a couple of lines) and it happened so fast. I was asked to do it at the last minute and I did a good job according to all the people that saw it and the thing is I felt pretty comfortable while I was doing it. I was someone else.
I know what you mean when you say that people with these sort of anxieties are acting everyday. I certainly am putting up a facade and pretending all the time and it is very exhausting.
I must say, I woke up feeling unmotivated and after reading your message, I feel a whole lot better. Thank you!!
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Friday, November 24, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
GIVING THANKS
After work on monday, I asked my boyfriend to accompany me to the emergency room. The weather that night seemed to be the coldest it had been since my relocation from Arizona. I've been here for almost 2 months. It seems longer.
When we arrived at the hospital, I signed in and took a seat in the dingy waiting area. After what seemed like 7 minutes, a doctor peaked out of his room calling out the name of a patient. His accent was thick with the sounds of an African dialect and I could not make out what he was saying. It sounded like he said Maggie but he could have been saying my name. I was not sure so rather than ask I sat down hoping he would repeat himself in an accent that I could make out. My boyfriend volunteered to clarify with him but I quickly stopped him, afraid he would draw attention our way. I don't feel comfortable when people pay attention to me but I wish I did. I want to be acknowledged but because of my anxiety disorder - I can't handle it. I clam up. So my boyfriend filled out another form, at my request just in case it was my name that was called.
About 5 minutes later, the nurse called me in to have my blood pressure checked and to ask me questions about why I was there. "I had a panic attack," was my response to make a long story short. The nurse was a man who had the same accent as the previous doctor. He seemed very robotic during the entire process. He directed me to go back to the waiting area and wait for my name to be called again.
This time it was a woman with a very familiar accent. She called my name and my boyfriend commented on how he liked her pronunciation of it. I whispered back to him that I think she is Haitian. She said my name the way my relatives said my name when I was growing up. I felt a hint of comfort hearing her accent because it felt like my mom was near. I followed her down the halls into the adult emergency psychiatry waiting room and my comfort slipped away as I was met by another anxiety attack that I kept under wraps but it continued to grow inside me and run wild.
Behind the window, were staff members. I couldn't make out who held what title but my attentions became fixed on a ignorant man whom I am assuming was a nurse by his uniform. He looked at my paperwork and without any respect, he said to his co-worker, "Panic Attack, this is not an emergency."
I was in disbelief. What school did he graduate from. He should not be working at a hospital. My anxiety level skyrocketed from then on.
And this was just the beginning. I will share the rest later. My head is hurting me so much right now and my ear is aching. I think its stemming from my lack of sleep. I am going to go to bed now. I have been falling asleep to my Attacking Anxiety and Depresion cds and I am learning so much. I have not been noticeably able to put the skills into practice yet but I feel that the change is slowly taking place mentally. It has to start from within.
If anyone is reading this please let me know if you think its too late for me to pursue my acting dream. And be honest. (If I am ever courageous enough, I will post my photo oneday or maybe turn this into a video blog...what do you all think?)
Until then...
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Even though I have this anxiety situation controlling my life, I am still thankful for my life and my family and my boyfriend. I don't really have a real relationship with my friends because of my anxieties but I am still thankful that they have not given up on me. They still email me and from time to time they call even if they know that 99% of the time I don't answer my cell phone. They still think about me.
When we arrived at the hospital, I signed in and took a seat in the dingy waiting area. After what seemed like 7 minutes, a doctor peaked out of his room calling out the name of a patient. His accent was thick with the sounds of an African dialect and I could not make out what he was saying. It sounded like he said Maggie but he could have been saying my name. I was not sure so rather than ask I sat down hoping he would repeat himself in an accent that I could make out. My boyfriend volunteered to clarify with him but I quickly stopped him, afraid he would draw attention our way. I don't feel comfortable when people pay attention to me but I wish I did. I want to be acknowledged but because of my anxiety disorder - I can't handle it. I clam up. So my boyfriend filled out another form, at my request just in case it was my name that was called.
About 5 minutes later, the nurse called me in to have my blood pressure checked and to ask me questions about why I was there. "I had a panic attack," was my response to make a long story short. The nurse was a man who had the same accent as the previous doctor. He seemed very robotic during the entire process. He directed me to go back to the waiting area and wait for my name to be called again.
This time it was a woman with a very familiar accent. She called my name and my boyfriend commented on how he liked her pronunciation of it. I whispered back to him that I think she is Haitian. She said my name the way my relatives said my name when I was growing up. I felt a hint of comfort hearing her accent because it felt like my mom was near. I followed her down the halls into the adult emergency psychiatry waiting room and my comfort slipped away as I was met by another anxiety attack that I kept under wraps but it continued to grow inside me and run wild.
Behind the window, were staff members. I couldn't make out who held what title but my attentions became fixed on a ignorant man whom I am assuming was a nurse by his uniform. He looked at my paperwork and without any respect, he said to his co-worker, "Panic Attack, this is not an emergency."
I was in disbelief. What school did he graduate from. He should not be working at a hospital. My anxiety level skyrocketed from then on.
And this was just the beginning. I will share the rest later. My head is hurting me so much right now and my ear is aching. I think its stemming from my lack of sleep. I am going to go to bed now. I have been falling asleep to my Attacking Anxiety and Depresion cds and I am learning so much. I have not been noticeably able to put the skills into practice yet but I feel that the change is slowly taking place mentally. It has to start from within.
If anyone is reading this please let me know if you think its too late for me to pursue my acting dream. And be honest. (If I am ever courageous enough, I will post my photo oneday or maybe turn this into a video blog...what do you all think?)
Until then...
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Even though I have this anxiety situation controlling my life, I am still thankful for my life and my family and my boyfriend. I don't really have a real relationship with my friends because of my anxieties but I am still thankful that they have not given up on me. They still email me and from time to time they call even if they know that 99% of the time I don't answer my cell phone. They still think about me.
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