I had an entire week off from work last week(vacation time!) I spent the entire week catching up with my College Algebra assignments and by the time today rolled around I wasn't sure if I would actually be relaxing more at work then I did at home the entire week.
In 2 weeks I am moving back East and I am very happy but at the same time I was thin when I moved out here and now I am overweight...not quite "fat" but definitely overweight. I am nervous about how people will react but I miss home so much that 75% of me doesn't care about that. However, I am not looking forward to people making a big deal out of it and embarrassing me. I have been exercising and eating less for the past 2 weeks. I have been dancing in my bathroom to the new Beyonce album. I exercised 4 out of 7 days last week. I weighed myself at the mall and was disappointed because I've only lost 2 lbs so far.
It's funny how the littlest things can ruin my day. I could be having a pretty decent day but one little anxious moment will have me replaying the events in my head over and over and over again until I feel depressed. Then something else will happen which will add to the thoughts that are replaying in my head...then something else...and by the end of the day, I feel depressed, drained, worried, and regretful.
Tomorrow, I have to find the courage to talk to my manager about my leaving. I want to give her my 2 weeks notice no later than tomorrow. Hopefully, I do not avoid this situation all together. My manager knows a little bit about my anxiety because I had no choice but to tell her after I was asked to bring in a doctor's note which clearly stated that I was was seen by the doctor for anxiety. She (my manager) was very open to helping me ease my anxieties while at work. Moreover, she is always encouraging me. She is the cutest thing. She has short blond hair and she is probably about 5'1". The irony is that she is very blunt and when I learned I was going to be on her team, I thought I wasn't going to like her - but I was wrong.
Last night, I received bad news about an online magazine that I have been working on for the past 2 1/2 years. A publishing company contacted me about 6 months ago (maybe more) expressing interest in my magazine. They told me they were looking for a project to fund and that they would supply the writers, photographers, editors, etc. The representative told me that he wanted to set up a meeting. After several back and forth emails, I contacted him and asked him to call me and I told him I would like to schedule the meeting for September or October. He did not respond to my email. I waited a couple of weeks and then re-sent the email and he still did not get back to me. I finally had something to make me feel like I am not a failure and last night I got the devastating news, while going through my email, he basically said he changed his mind and offered no reason. I am crushed but I will get over it. I am thinking about putting my magazine dreams aside for now. I am going to focus on successfully completing what is left of my Bachelor's degree and then maybe I will refocus on the magazine. Besides, I can't take acting out of my mind. I want to try my hand at this or I will never regret it when I get older. I have dreamed of being an actor since I was about 8 years old. I use to watch TV all the time because I felt safest when I was all alone in my room and watching my favorite TV shows. I fantasized about being an actor ever since and not I am 29 and still dreaming. I have a small acting history...very small...and each experience has always been amazing. It is not that hard for me to act because I am someone else with scripted lines.
I am rambling tonight. I will go now but I have so much more to share about my love life, my other goals, etc.
Until then...
(Today is my mom's birthday...i spoke to her over the phone while getting ready for work in the morning and it was good to hear her voice. Of course, I did not talk much, but she understands me...i think...i hope. She told me that the youngest child always bears the burdens of the family. I am the youngest and so is she. She advised me not to let the burdens fall on me.)
I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years...my longest relationship. I haven't talked much about it on this blog because of my own selfish reasons but I may change that soon. But I will tell you this...having anxiety problems and being in a relationship can be hell for both parties.
