After work on monday, I asked my boyfriend to accompany me to the emergency room. The weather that night seemed to be the coldest it had been since my relocation from Arizona. I've been here for almost 2 months. It seems longer.
When we arrived at the hospital, I signed in and took a seat in the dingy waiting area. After what seemed like 7 minutes, a doctor peaked out of his room calling out the name of a patient. His accent was thick with the sounds of an African dialect and I could not make out what he was saying. It sounded like he said Maggie but he could have been saying my name. I was not sure so rather than ask I sat down hoping he would repeat himself in an accent that I could make out. My boyfriend volunteered to clarify with him but I quickly stopped him, afraid he would draw attention our way. I don't feel comfortable when people pay attention to me but I wish I did. I want to be acknowledged but because of my anxiety disorder - I can't handle it. I clam up. So my boyfriend filled out another form, at my request just in case it was my name that was called.
About 5 minutes later, the nurse called me in to have my blood pressure checked and to ask me questions about why I was there. "I had a panic attack," was my response to make a long story short. The nurse was a man who had the same accent as the previous doctor. He seemed very robotic during the entire process. He directed me to go back to the waiting area and wait for my name to be called again.
This time it was a woman with a very familiar accent. She called my name and my boyfriend commented on how he liked her pronunciation of it. I whispered back to him that I think she is Haitian. She said my name the way my relatives said my name when I was growing up. I felt a hint of comfort hearing her accent because it felt like my mom was near. I followed her down the halls into the adult emergency psychiatry waiting room and my comfort slipped away as I was met by another anxiety attack that I kept under wraps but it continued to grow inside me and run wild.
Behind the window, were staff members. I couldn't make out who held what title but my attentions became fixed on a ignorant man whom I am assuming was a nurse by his uniform. He looked at my paperwork and without any respect, he said to his co-worker, "Panic Attack, this is not an emergency."
I was in disbelief. What school did he graduate from. He should not be working at a hospital. My anxiety level skyrocketed from then on.
And this was just the beginning. I will share the rest later. My head is hurting me so much right now and my ear is aching. I think its stemming from my lack of sleep. I am going to go to bed now. I have been falling asleep to my Attacking Anxiety and Depresion cds and I am learning so much. I have not been noticeably able to put the skills into practice yet but I feel that the change is slowly taking place mentally. It has to start from within.
If anyone is reading this please let me know if you think its too late for me to pursue my acting dream. And be honest. (If I am ever courageous enough, I will post my photo oneday or maybe turn this into a video blog...what do you all think?)
Until then...
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Even though I have this anxiety situation controlling my life, I am still thankful for my life and my family and my boyfriend. I don't really have a real relationship with my friends because of my anxieties but I am still thankful that they have not given up on me. They still email me and from time to time they call even if they know that 99% of the time I don't answer my cell phone. They still think about me.
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