I have been feeling very down lately. I am basically a mute at work and I feel so weird all the time. I don't get it. Why do I act this way? Why do I feel so inferior and scared around others? Who cares what others think...right? I am way too stressed out to write more tonight, however, I am off from work next week and plan to share a lot more about what has been going on in my life.
It is almost 4 in the morning and I am still awake because I have so much on my mind and I feel like people take me as someone they can treat like sh@# because of my soft spoken/shy demeanor. I had a supervisor speak to me in such a degrading way today and I just smiled through the pain like I did not get that he was rude to me. I am almost 30 and I am scared that I will always be this way. What is wrong with me? Why do I have to even deal with this problem?
I look around at work and see all sorts of people just talking and walking around and just being free and I wonder why I feel trapped in my own body. I sit at my cubicle and take calls and sometimes I avoid going on my breaks just to avoid having to get up and risk any interaction with others or any sort of attention. I feel like there is an invisible cage that I am stuck in and I just can't figure out how I made my way into this cage.
It doesn't make sense. People tell me that I am pretty...they tell me I am smart...but for some reason I just feel like a freak. And now that I have gained about 30lbs it doesn't help the situation. I feel like everyone is better than me or something. I am not even sure if that is the root of all this.
It's ridiculous. There is so much I want to do and I am slowly dying inside. I hate myself sometimes yet I feel sorry for myself because I don't think anyone can understand me but me.
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