I think it is important to explain why I feel the need to emphasize that I am shy and I am black. African Americans, Caribbeans, etc. have been stereotyped as being angry and loud and rude...etc. I am here to not only prove this is incorrect but to show the other side of it. I am very soft spoken and extremely kind...I should say...too kind. I am the other end of that spectrum. I keep my pain to myself most of the time and then I break down when I let it all build up. I do get angry...I am human...but I don't fit the stereotype. There are so many other black people like me and for some it is not an anxiety disorder...it is just their temperament. They are naturally soft spoken and choose to be quiet. But for me, I did not choose to be this way and I want to embody a healthy balance of being reserved and being social.
People meet me and they are thrown off. They are confused that I am not loud and extremely confident and they are baffled. I make others uncomfortable...i think. From my experience, I think people think I am weird and boring. I am actually into a lot of interesting activities and am a very fun person to be around if I were not soo shy...that is. I enjoy many things and have a spontaneous aura but it is very hard for me to act on these interests because I feel vulnerable in this aggressive society.
Thank God for blogging. I can get my feelings off my chest for once and connect with real people without the fear of being judged because I look a certain way or act shy, etc. I honestly feel that once I start getting comments and feedback, this will help me overcome my social anxiety. This is a small step but too me it is huge.
It will be interesting to see how blogging, along with the further help I plan to seek, will come together and treat my disorder. I was invited to my co-worker's apartment today for dinner. I am not sure if I will have it in me to go being that I didn't even have the courage to attend my teleprompter and acting workshop earlier today. (Read my previous blog from today) I would really love to go but my anxiety is too high just thinking about it. I go through this everytime a co-worker invites me to go out, etc. The opportunities for friendship are presented to me many times but because of my disorder I am not able to cultivate a friendship. I hope I am able to start accepting such invitations soon because I will be old and lonely if I don't get over this problem. To make it worse, the co-worker who invited me is very cool. I love her personality and I am surprised she invited me over. She is very personable and has sooo many friends at the job. I would hate to miss the opportunity to become her friend.
I welcome all comments because I need to hear from you all. I have never had the ability to build myself up to bringing up this topic to my friends but this is an opportunity to do so with virtual acquaintances and I am very grateful for this opportunity. It may save my life by allowing me to live my life.
(I don't know how to add links as a sidebar so I am inserting this link that I discovered here:)
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