So today at work, I started to get anxious... as usual... right before each of my breaks and lunch. I was not sure if I should have been proactive and joined my co-workers at lunch, particularly one co-worker who gave me a ride to and from work today.
Due to a lack of funds, I have not been able to 'medicate' myself with Cask and Cream or plain hard vodka right before work. I had previously done this for about 2 months in a row (not too long ago) and it was making me sick, literally...so I slowed down and then stopped for a bit. But I got my hands on some vodka mixed with fruit punch today and I took some feeling like this would be the ticket. This would give me the courage to converse with my co-workers and enjoy the moment for the rest of the day.
The alcohol made me feel like I might escape my social anxiety for a little while and at the time it was worth it to me. However, it didn't work. It made me feel tipsy and sluggish. Although my anxiety felt slightly lower it was not low enough to bring me out of the proverbial shell that I have been stuck in since I was a little girl.
At one time, liquor worked perfectly. I would drink and lose my concern for what others were thinking about me. I joined family and friends in conversation and together time and I connected with others. I had to play it off anytime someone mentioned it smelled like beer. I had not been drinking beer so I could say I did not know what they were referring to and look around with them. But the benefits wore off quickly, leaving me hung over and nauseated by the next morning. And now I have to wonder about the damage I might have done to my body in the process.
So I am going to find a cognitive behavioral therapist to help me on my journey to inner reinvention. I've heard the saying time and time again.. "Black woman don't go to the shrink the y go to church!" Don't believe the hype because if you are a black woman and you actually believe this you may stop yourself from getting some professional help that could be very beneficial. No matter what race you are...if your culture has negative attitudes about seeking psychological help...don't let that deter you from getting the help you need. I am sure that this stigma is not felt by black women alone. I would like to hear from ALL RACES AND CULTURES about your thoughts on this issue.
I have not met any black women who have told me they have seen a therapist but I see increasing examples of this in magazine articles and talk shows. I have had about 4 therapists that I can remember. Maybe more. The experiences were always short lived.
I had an African American therapist with dreads and flawless skin who made me feel proud - that's about it. I found myself feeling even more nervous around her. What was she thinking of me...a sistah...coming to her with all this mess in my life. Eventually, I did not return. Then there was the Latina therapist who I saw for a bit longer but my insurance went through some changes and soon I was not able to attend the sessions anymore and moreover she practiced basic therapy methods that did not target my behavior and thought patterns like cognitive behavioral therapy does. The psychiatrist that I saw while under the care of the Latina therapist was a tall, older, Caucasian man who would prescribe me a new drug each time I saw him. Nothing seemed to work for me and although I was glad he was trying all these different drugs on me, I couldn't help but wonder if this was safe. Then there was a middle aged, Caucasian woman that I saw in the city each week. Her method introduced me to cognitive behavioral therapy but I had problems with my insurance again...or was it the fact that she was leaving and a new therapist was being assigned to me? I am not sure. I remember at least one other therapy experience but can't draw a clear picture in my mind...maybe 2 other experiences. For some reason, I have a vague memory of an Asian man who saw me a couple of times and a young Caucasian male therapist as well.
My first experience was as a participant in a case study at a well known hospital uptown. I had just learned that social anxiety was treatable and I didn't waste anytime signing up to be a guinea pig. I was put on an MAOI exhibitor (i think i am saying it correctly). The MAOI worked but I would black out every now and then and faint. I think its because I was told not to eat certain things like cheese and I didn't read the ingredients on my meals as carefully as I should have. Moveover, when I was out with friends, I was often to nervous to tell them I could not eat what they were having because I did not want to explain the 'whys' behind it. I would go on to participate in at least 1 more study in which my brain activity was monitored or something. This was in the 90's when people were starting to recognize anxiety as a real disorder.
This task is not easy but I am going to do my research and start from there. I am wondering what I should look for in a therapist, what questions should I ask? Will I even have the courage to ask questions at all with my anxieties...probably not. But this is important to me. I have to find the perfect therapist for me because this time I am in it to win it.
I contacted a therapist a few weeks ago and made an appt. but it turns out that she is not a participant with any insurance companies so I would have to pay out of pocket. That is a huge obstacle for me. Now I have to find someone else.
One more thing, I am not sure why my doctor always prescribes Lorazpam to me. It doesn't do anything for my anxieties. I take it anyway, hoping each time will be the time it works. Sometimes I take more than prescribed but still no results. I did some research and I am going to ask about PaxilCR.
I will be 30 next year and I don't want to have to deal with this issue when I enter that stage of my life. I want to be able to focus on other things. I have been struggling with anxiety for too long. I am sick of it. I want out of this horrible relationship.
COPYRIGHT 2006
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