My co-worker gave me a ride to and from work again today. I am starting to feel less nervous around her but as usual I might as well be a mute. I don't say anything in the car. It is embarrassing; her boyfriend is usually in the car as well and usually and extra person tags along and I wonder what they say about me when I leave. I know they must be joking about me or judging me somehow. The thing is I have so much I want to say but I just can't for the life of me SPEAK UP. This really hurts.
I feel like such a fool because I am not at the age where this behavior is looked at as being cute (like when I was a little girl)...now it is ridiculous. Honestly, I thought that by moving out west, I would have gotten better. I was living in such a fast paced city back east and felt like if I took my boyfriend up on his offer to move to the west coast, I would be a different person (for the better) when I returned home. Its not working out that way. I think my anxieties actually got worse.
At least I can go about unnoticed in the east because people are so busy and thing are so hectic. But when I moved out here I was not ready for the way people actually SEE you. It is more pressure in some ways and I was not ready. At the same time, the chaos of the busy streets back home is enough to cause a panic attack every minute.
I called a few cognitive behavioral therapists last week and did not get a response. Things like this discourage me. I am going to make a few more calls tomorrow or on Friday.
Until then.
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