Guilt

What am I feeling today? Extreme discouragement. I did not attend the teleprompter class nor the free acting workshop that was to follow on Saturday. I sat at home all dressed up with my new dark scarlet shirt and black stretch pants with somewhere to go but without the courage to take me there. I used the computer to take my mind away from the situation but logging on to various websites that would take my focus away from my guilt...my pain.

The logical thing to do at this point, would have been for me to pick up the phone and call the acting coach to let her know that I would not make it but I could not bring myself to do that. I could feel my cell phone vibrating and my acting coach's name flashed inside the small screen. I froze and felt my heart palpitating faster as the feelings of guilt climbed to new heights. I turned my cellphone off and threw it on my bookbag on the other side of the bedroom.

I sent my acting coach an email saying I would not be making it to class because I could not get a ride. I told her I would still try my best to make it but I already knew that my anxieties had won again. I walked to the bathroom, washed my makeup off, removed my earrings, and changed my clothes into my 'house' clothes.

I grew a little angry the rest of the day. Angry at myself and Angry at the world but I bottled it in and kept the facade that everything was alright. I even practiced how I would tell my co-worker how great the teleprompter/acting class turned out. She had invited me to her apartment for dinner and at that time, I thought maybe there was an ounce of drive left that would allow me to take her up on that offer. It was still around 10AM and dinner at my co-worker's place would not start until 6PM. So I had time to forget about it for now.

My internal anger metamorphisized into plain sadness. Eventually, I found myself laying on a blanket on the floor and wrapping a blue cotton sheet around my body.

I lay there crying and thinking about how far behind I am in my college coursework, how my back hurt, how i have about a month left to get my stuff together before I move back east. I thought about my hair and what hairstyle I should try, I thought about the new scar I had on my face and how I was going to minimize it. I thought about how I had gained at least 35 lbs since moving out west and I thought about going on a serious diet. I thought about work and the new training I was undergoing. I thought about finding a job back east. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop crying.

As I write this, I am becoming saddened by the overwhelming amount of responsibilities that I have. I have to catch up with my 2 media courses and my algebra class this week and next including midterms and finals. I also have to take a midterm and final from last quarters history course. Moreover, I have statistics class from last quarter that I have to start working on. (MY professors are losing there patience with me) and I am scared that I will not reach my goal of earning my bachelors before I turn 30.

I am going to hit the books right now. When I return. I will share about whether or not I went to my co-worker's apartment for dinner on Saturday night and also, I will let you all know what has happened since Saturday.

(I ended up not going)

COPYRIGHT 2006