Life In A Day

Conversing

I've had social anxiety since I was a little girl.  Now as a woman in her 30's, I have a fraction of the communication skills that people my age have. 

What can I do to catch up? 

Communication, like any skill...like any art, is perfected over time through repetition and practice.  I did not get years of practice and I am horrible at it.

If I overcome my anxieties, how will I ever be a great communicator?

Ghost Town

I'm sitting here at my cubicle at work and there are only about 3 or 4 people in the office today.  It's Friday and we're still in the holiday season, so this is expected.  I usually have loads of work to do but I guess all my client's are not in their offices as well.  Slow day to say the least. 

My older brother came in today from South Carolina.  He's visiting for a week.  I haven't seen him yet.  I'm nervous - even with my own brother.  I hope this week goes well and it's not too heavy for me as far as my anxiety goes. 

I am off on Monday and I just want to enjoy the time off rather than agonizing over social situations.

Therapy is going.  Some days its an obvious amazing session and other days, I feel like my therapists probably thinks badly of me.  HOWEVER, we are working on this...not specifically what I think he thinks of me BUT how I think everyone thinks of me.  My thoughts and how they impact my anxiety.

My employer recently changed insurance providers, which kick in on Jan. 1st, so I have to cut down my therapy to every other week rather than every week.  The new insurance would now make my therapist out of network and I have to pay more out of pocket!! 

Until then...
DOASBW

P.S.  If you visit http://www.diaryofashyblackwoman.org/ and you can't see my site, go to http://www.diaryofashyblackwoman.blogspot.com/ and it will work!

Therapy - 5th month...My advice to YOU

I want to offer advice to those who are in therapy and feel discouraged because they are not seein extreme results yet.

My advice is DON"T STOP.  KEEP GOING to therapy!  You will not see results overnight.  You will not see extreme results in months BUT it's working.

How long did it take you to become socially anxious?  YEARS.  So why do you think therapy is an overnight fix?

You've been going through this for so long, so expect therapy to be WORK.  You have to WORK at it.

KEEP GOING!

Mindy Kaling Has Social Anxiety and a Suggestion for Your Next Dinner Party

Mindy Kaling Has Social Anxiety and a Suggestion for Your Next Dinner Party

Career Minded with Social Anxiety - 13 tips

It's not logical to expect to snap out of your social anxiety today, this week, this month or by the New Year. It just doesn't work that way. So while you are seeking the resources to help you overcome this debilitating disorder, I have some tips to help you get by at work.



Just because you are painfully shy, that doesn't mean that you can't move up in your career. It doesn't mean that you have to "finish last".



You're probably at a point in your life where you feel hopeless about your situation. You want a quick fix and the idea that a magic pill does not exist makes you depressed. You probably think that I can't relate but trust me, I am YOU. I'm that person who is always labeled as "the quiet one". I have had so many situations in my life that have left me wondering "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS MY PROBLEM? WHY CAN'T I SNAP OUT OF THIS SOCIAL ANXIETY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" I get YOU. I understand.



The best advice I can give you right now is:

1. Don't allow yourself to be down for too long. Seek out the things that keep you optimistic. Watch shows that motivate, listen to music that motivates, read books that motivate, read articles that motivate, visit websites that motivate...

2. Seek therapy

3. Create organized lists to reduce worries and reduce feeling overwhelmed. I like to use envelopes to create my lists rather than notepads. Each envelope will focus on one category.
  • Category 1. Things you have to do this within the next 6 months


  • Category 2. Places you want to go that are free/require money within the next 6 months


  • Category 3. Things you want to buy that are under 100.00/over 100.00 withing the next 6 months


  • Category 4. Things you want to do/buy/places you want to go later (in 6 months or more)


  • Category 5. List your monthly bills, debts

4. Stretch in the morning and at night.

5. Massage yourself. Use one of those massagers to help get access to your back. Use your fingers to massage your face. Massage your feet, hands, arms, legs about once per week.

6. Download audiobooks about business, success, your field, social anxiety self-help, motivational books (fiction and nonfiction) and books about your other interests. Listen to this on your commute to and from work. I recommend Audiobooks.com.

7. Try to get to work about 15 minutes early so that you have time to settle and reduce anxiety. (Easier said than done…I know!!)

8. Keep chamomile tea at your desk.

9. Make your cubicle as functional and comfortable as possible for you. Have lotion, tissue, snacks, gum, water, charger, etc. close, neat and organized.

10. When you take a break, take a moment to breathe when you are alone, stretch, clear your mind (even if you have to do this in a stall in the restroom).

11. Find out if you can work out a day or 2 each month to work from home. Make sure your laptop or computer at home is set up for this.

12. Read up about your field and stay in the know about what is going on in that industry.

13. You can be a soft spoken or quiet leader in the meantime! Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you are working on your anxiety and taking the steps to overcome. Everyone has some level of anxiety but yours is severe so it’s important to know it will not be an overnight success. You have to work at it!

13 tips for seeking out the RIGHT therapist for YOU!

I've been in therapy since June. This month, November, my therapist and I are moving into CBT. I've read about CBT and also had a couple of sessions in the past but nothing can prepare you for this. You just have to do it.



I find CBT to be the ultimate in confrontation. You are confronting and dissecting your thoughts and challenging your behaviors. I highly recommend that you consult with a therapist if you have Social Anxiety issues. Seek out the right therapist for YOU before you commit to regular sessions. Therapy requires a serious commitment that can last months or even years, depending on the severity of your anxiety and the frequency and length of sessions.



My therapist is patient with me. This is crucial for those with social anxiety.



I've created a list of criteria to look for in your therapist and inputted some therapy tips:

1. Your therapist MUST have Patience.

2. Willing to learn from you, too. Although he/she is the professional, you are the EXPERT because YOU are the one who is living with social anxiety so it’s important that your therapist is learning about you and not ONLY going by the books.

3. Offers regular therapy followed by CBT. It is important to go through your life story before delving into CBT. If your therapist doesn't really know about you, how can he/she truly help you? I don't think this method is standard, so it's important to seek out a therapist who is willing to do this. Out of all the therapists that I've seen, my current therapist is the ONLY one that has done it this way.

4. Try to get a therapist (psychologist) who is also a psychiatrist so that you are seeing the same person for both medication and therapy. This helps as you don't have to feel anxious about seeing different doctors.

5. If you choose to combine medication and therapy, make sure you are PATIENT with the time it takes for the medication to start working. It could take months so don't give up too quickly and request something new. It is important that your therapist doesn't rush you into increased dosages and new medications, as well.

6. If you are more uncomfortable around men, challenge yourself and go with a male therapist. If you are more uncomfortable around women, challenge yourself and seek a female.

7. Try to go with a therapist that is around your age so that he/she gets your generation.

8. Race doesn't matter in a therapist but it's important that your therapist takes any issues you have (that are race-based) seriously. My therapist is not Black but I explained some of my experiences as a Black woman and he has been a great help so it depends on the therapist that is why I recommend you schedule a consultation FIRST.

9. Understand that there will be good sessions filled with breakthroughs and sessions that leave you feeling sad, hopeless, angry, discouraged, etc. The latter is not a bad thing, it is bringing feelings to the surface and your next sessions will help you work through your feelings.

10. If your therapist doesn't ask you how your week was, how are you doing today, how your medication is making you feel, etc., then it's time to seek someone else.

11. Jot down notes throughout the week of issues, feelings, so that you can bring up in later sessions.

12. Expect to have feelings for your therapist because it's almost like he/she is a close friend. Just remember it is a one-sided relationship as you don't know about his/her life. So keep it all in perspective and don't try to cross any lines b/c you just might lose a great therapist.

13. Remember: Mental health is just as important as physical health. Seeing a therapist does not mean you are crazy...it actually means you are very SANE and have the mind to get help and confront your 'demons'.




~

I've been in therapy since June.  This month, November, my therapist and I are moving into CBT.  I've read about CBT and also had a couple of sessions in the past but nothing can prepare you for this.  You just have to do it. 

I find CBT to be the ultimate in confrontation.  You are confronting and dissecting your thoughts and challenging your behaviors.  I highly recommend that you consult with a therapist if you have Social Anxiety issues.  Seek out the right therapist for YOU before you commit to regular sessions.  Therapy requires a serious commitment that can last months or even years, depending on the severity of your anxiety and the frequency and length of sessions.

My therapist is patient with me.  This is crucial for those with social anxiety. 

I've created a list of criteria to look for in your therapist and inputted some therapy tips: 

1. Your therapist MUST have Patience.
2. Willing to learn from you, too.  Although he/she is the professional, you are the EXPERT because YOU are the one who is living with social anxiety so it’s important that your therapist is learning about you and not ONLY going by the books.
3. Offers regular therapy followed by CBT.  It is important to go through your life story before delving into CBT.  If your therapist doesn't really know about you, how can he/she truly help you?  I don't think this method is standard, so it's important to seek out a therapist who is willing to do this.  Out of all the therapists that I've seen, my current therapist is the ONLY one that has done it this way. 
4. Try to get a therapist (psychologist) who is also a psychiatrist so that you are seeing the same person for both medication and therapy.  This helps as you don't have to feel anxious about seeing different doctors. 
5. If you choose to combine medication and therapy, make sure you are PATIENT with the time it takes for the medication to start working.  It could take months so don't give up too quickly and request something new.  It is important that your therapist doesn't rush you into increased dosages and new medications, as well.
6. If you are more uncomfortable around men, challenge yourself and go with a male therapist.  If you are more uncomfortable around women, challenge yourself and seek a female.
7. Try to go with a therapist that is around your age so that he/she gets your generation.
8. Race doesn't matter in a therapist but it's important that your therapist takes any issues you have (that are race-based) seriously.  My therapist is not Black but I explained some of my experiences as a Black woman and he has been a great help so it depends on the therapist that is why I recommend you schedule a consultation FIRST.
9. Understand that there will be good sessions filled with breakthroughs and sessions that leave you feeling sad, hopeless, angry, discouraged, etc.  The latter is not a bad thing, it is bringing feelings to the surface and your next sessions will help you work through your feelings. 
10. If your therapist doesn't ask you how your week was, how are you doing today, how your medication is making you feel, etc., then it's time to seek someone else. 
11. Jot down notes throughout the week of issues, feelings, so that you can bring up in later sessions.
12. Expect to have feelings for your therapist because it's almost like he/she is a close friend.  Just remember it is a one-sided relationship as you don't know about his/her life.  So keep it all in perspective and don't try to cross any lines b/c you just might lose a great therapist.
13. Remember: Mental health is just as important as physical health.  Seeing a therapist does not mean you are crazy...it actually means you are very SANE and have the mind to get help and confront your 'demons'.

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CBT is not easy

...but it's worth it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I started CBT with my therapist today!  CBT is said to be one of the most effective therapies for Social Anxiety Disorder.  It targets the thoughts, first and foremost.  It then shows you how the thoughts impact the behaviors and the behaviors further impact the thoughts...like a vicious cycle.

BUT, I learned that my employer is changing our health insurance provider so I am scared that this might impact my therapy!  I hope this is not the case.

Taking the Panic out of Panic Attacks

Huge Setback

I didn't go to work on Tues, Wed, Thur and Friday because I was too anxious.  I moved to a new cubicle and just feel overwhelmed.  The new seating arrangement means I have to interact with new people on a regular basis PLUS I can no longer use the back entrance (which was easier for me).